Diamond Tears

[ScarletMornings]

It’s hard to swallow well anymore
I'm always outdone by the darkness
the darkness that swallows me alive
cool and professional
as detached as it forces me to be
but I'm so tired I can’t seem to care anymore
I can’t do anything anymore

It’s funny how the feeling goes
and I'd laugh if I still could
but my humor seems to have burnt itself out
I was so high with life that I took it too fast
and I arrived in the black velvet realm of I-don’t-cares
I'm stuck here but I'd turn around and leave
if I could think of a good reason why I should
but I can’t

I'm engulfed by that analytical and cold dragon
midnight black as my soul is being stained
and I don’t have anymore faith to cut myself out with
I seemed to have mislaid it somewhere
how inconvenient for me
I would be upset if I could search my heart
or find my heart so I could search it
but it’s probably lost with my faith
forgotten in some dragon’s cave
a million innocent days away

But for a moment the darkness splits
the dragon roars as its belly tears and dumps me out
and I can see burning sunshine
and I'm crying diamond tears for real
because they are priceless
ragged, wet proof that I'm not quite dead inside
that there’s still hope blooming eternal in my breast
where my scarlet heart used to beat steady
before indifference stabbed a vicious talon into it
and bled me dry slowly of all my sentiment

Now I'm waiting and watching the dragon circle overheard
in a charcoal, freezing sky
ready to swoop and swallow me and my solid tears
and I'm tempted to hide here and go on to fight another day
gather all my tears and forge a shining sword with them
to slay that darkling dragon for all time
I'd guard my secret lair here and hoard my feelings like some greedy monster…
if I didn’t wonder if I was to go down, eyes blazing,
screaming, stabbing
defiant to the last
if I might just feel a spark of who I'd been,
a burn of who I was
a licking flame of what I'd had
before I finally passed where there was nothing at all
but peaceful, easy rest
and soft tears and quick smiles
a realm of I-feels and I-cares

[darktears]

Your writing is always so amazing that I run out of things to say to you. I love this as well..I espiecally love the
"I would be upset if I could search my heart
or find my heart so I could search it
but it’s probably lost with my faith
forgotten in some dragon’s cave
a million innocent days away"
That part is my absoulute favourite of all. Great job you've done here.

[Robin]

"It’s hard to swallow well anymore
I'm always outdone by the darkness
the darkness that swallows me alive"

Using 'swallows' twice so quickly in succession is kind of irritating. I'm sure you could find a better word here.

"but I'm so tired I can’t seem to care anymore
I can’t do anything anymore"

If they were to publish a new dictionary, this line would be the example next to blunt. There's got to be a better way to ease the reader into this.

"It’s funny how the feeling goes
and I'd laugh if I still could
but my humor seems to have burnt itself out"

I like the first line here, but the last line is, again, really, really blunt. Smudge it around a bit. In this poem, blurry lines are more attractive than stark lines.

"I was so high with life that I took it too fast
and I arrived in the black velvet realm of I-don’t-cares"

The 'I-don't-cares" part seems forced. I like the tone with which it was written, but it doesn't fit in with the black velvet part. Maybe you could change the black velvet to something more moderny feeling? People still wear velvet today, but the tone that the word brings is decidedly archaic. It disrupts the post-modern tone of the poem, and it didn't really disrupt it well.

"I'm engulfed by that analytical and cold dragon
midnight black as my soul is being stained"

Emo, anybody? I don't mind angsty pieces, but this hurt my soul. I think it was the "my soul is being stained" part. I know there has to be a more...professional way of putting that.

"but it’s probably lost with my faith
forgotten in some dragon’s cave
a million innocent days away"

I really like this, though. It's angsty, but in a good way. A VERY good way. It was a total orgy for the brain.

"But for a moment the darkness splits
the dragon roars as its belly tears and dumps me out
and I can see burning sunshine"

I like this except for the "as its belly tears and dumps me out" bit. It feels forced.

"and I'm crying diamond tears for real
because they are priceless"

Emo, but oh-so-delicious.

"where my scarlet heart used to beat steady
before indifference stabbed a vicious talon into it
and bled me dry slowly of all my sentiment"

Ouch. Your angst level has been at a relatively healthy 98.9 degrees throughout this poem (rising to 99 degrees at parts that I pointed out were too angsty), but this one just may leave this poem brain dead. It was just...wow. I think maybe it was the emphasis on the stabbing of the heart, not to mention the use of the word scarlet. Scarlet made it unneccesarily angsty.

"gather all my tears and forge a shining sword with them
to slay that darkling dragon for all time
I'd guard my secret lair here and hoard my feelings like some greedy monster…"

Ditch the ellipses. You don't really need them.

"if I didn’t wonder if I was to go down, eyes blazing,
screaming, stabbing
defiant to the last"

It reminded me of Semisonic. Down in Flames. 'And I never even get to go down, down in flames.'

[Ramona]

And again, I am amazed. I really like how you carried your theme throughout the whole story, it was great and the images you created in my mind were fantastic. however, these lines:
"I'm always outdone by the darkness
the darkness that swallows me alive"
made me seem kind of wary of the poem because it sound rather emo for l;ack of a better word. however, that's just my personal preference, perhaps you'd like it that way. The ending was also cool, how you tied it back to where you talk about apathy.

[ScarletMornings]

just a little note, this poem is about a really rough time i was having with my emotions and this was the way i was feeling, or at least the best way i could write down how i felt. i don't mean it as emo or slasher or anything like that, i was just experiencing some... dark feelings, for lack of a better word. but thank you guys, and i hope maybe that will give it a different p.o.v?

[somewhatpoetic]

i personally like darker kinda stuff so i really liked it...and i didn't think it was slasher or anything...it just seemed really sad and down in like a real emotional kinda way (i don't kno if i'm saying it rite or if you get what i mean...o well..haha)...but like it seems in several of your poems.. it had hope at the end and thats always kool.

[Ramona]

Yeah, it wasn't slasher or anything, because of teh imagery you used. It was just dark, but kind I still think the "darkness' lines made the poem sound really immature. It made me feel like it'd be a waste to read the rest of the poem. But if it was describing your emotions than I suppose you wouldn't really care what the readers think, since it's just a release for you.

[ScarletMornings]

well, that parts did sound out of place to me, but i can't really think of anything else. any suggestions that might help give it a more mature tone?

[Pseudomuse]

I am going to print this, and do and more indepth crit. The only thing I can say right now is that I feel that the title doesn't fit, or maybe that's just me.

PM

[ScarletMornings]

yeah, i didn't like it either. i just seem to be off on my titles lately. i can't think of anything for them.

[cry,crayola.]

ramona stole my word...... immature. it just felt that way to me all through the poem. i can't really explain why or how, (man am i a good crit. or what?!) but just read through it yourself. try and pick out the points that were weak or didn't quite fit in, cause there's a few. i'll come back and point them out, if i remember, but i'm getting ready to go, so i'll leave you with this: you have potential in this piece, you just have to strengthen it....... a lot. there were some awkward line breaks, but they were needed because the lines together (where they would sound most comfortable) would be too long. i'm not telling you to shorten it, because it's beautiful the way it is, i'm just saying find those weird breaks and tweak them a bit. i'm sorry i can't be more descriptive, but i g2g.

good luck with this, love.

oh yes! the title does seem a little irrelevant...... or at least awkward and out of place. mmmkay? *muah!*

[Ramona]

My suggestion on the "darkness" part would be to not use it twice like that and replace it with a more mature-sounding word. Like maybe instead of just darkness you're trying to portray the absence of light, so you could change it to abyss or something along those lines.