To Caoimhin, whoever you may be (modified)

[Queen of Rain]

To Caoimhin, whoever you may be

Your name is Caoimhin
that is the only thing I know
Your eyes are the deepest of blue shades
and I know you’re not an old lover.
You whisper my name over and over again
and you’re smile spread warmth to the world
You are no one I know.

You are everywhere at once
You walk in when I close my eyes
ageless, timeless, beautiful.
Perhaps you are the son I may never have,
yet in my dreams you bring beauty, my child
And whoever you may be,
you’re name remains
unpronounced, beautiful, unsaid.

Until I find the heart with whom I could bear
someone I'll name after you, Caoimhin

[Robin]

This was a cute piece.

I didn't particularly like the "you keep appearing...and I know you're not an old lover" part. It just sounded like an oxymoron to me, because the person isn't an old lover, but s/he still keeps appearing over and over again. But maybe I'm trying to logic it out too much. It's poetry. It doesn't have to make sense.

The stanzas didn't really seem to fit together. The rhythm and patterns in the first one didn't feel consistant with those in the second stanza. But then again, it's free verse, and it doesn't neccesarily need consistancy.

[Queen of Rain]

You're very right on the rhythm part... I love the4 rhytm in "and I know you're3 not an old lover" thawt fast stating phase is what I want the entire poem to have.. I think the problem lies in the rhythm in hte introductory parts of the stanzas, neither of them am I very content with (good my english is useless at this hour, hope you understand anyways)
Maybe I should start with stating "you're name is Caoimhin, thats all I know" becasue in the first stanza I just want to show the few things the speaking-I knows... to in the second stanza realise its a child she will/may /what sounds best?) never have..

[Robin]

I see. I think that if you like a certain rhythm, you should apply it to the whole poem. Conistancy is always good.

[cry,crayola.]

ohhh..... i like this a lot. i think the last stanza was my fav. : )

[Queen of Rain]

thank you, hope its stil ok now that I changed it, I just cant get the rhythm right there...