Influenced (modified)

[cry,crayola.]

first, I trapped you in my metal cage.
My little world of what was acceptable.
I was just protecting you:
protecting you from the world.

Then, I put your cage in a box.
A box that would shield your eyes from evil.
The world is a dirty place.
I didn't want you to see it.

Next, I took your box and chained it.
Now no one could get in.
A harmful place we live in.
A shame these extremes had to be taken.

But now, as I look back,
back at your cage, your box, and your chains,
were they necessary?
My only want was to keep you safe.
Safe from all of the others.

I was brought up with ways to live,
but the world shuns your box,
your only save haven.
I wanted you to be shielded
from the devious critics of the world.

Still, in its most deceptive ways,
the world appealed to you.
My beautiful bird, shining yellow feathers,
you broke out of your binds and joined them,
leaving me to cry.

You fly a new sky now,
one that is so unknown by you.
It's filled with rot and soot.
Why couldn't you have kept caged?
I miss your pretty yellow feathers

All the days I wonder, now,
about the other pretty birdies you fly with.
Was it me and my stubborn narrow mind?
Did I drive you to the world?
I only hope you'll find your way to heaven again.

[cry,crayola.]

i dunno about this one................

neways, any ideas for a better title? i'm not sure if this one makes sense.......

[Robin]

Oooh. I love the idea surrounding this one. It feels deliciously Carrie-esque. Did you, by any chance, write this with that movie/book on your mind?

"The world is a dirty place.
I didn't want you to see it."

Dirtypillows! This part reminded me the most of Stephen King's Carrie, because Carrie's mother was always telling her that she needed to pray and cleanse her soul of the dirty things she saw. When Carrie got her period, her mother told her that it was a dirty thing and she needed to be cleansed.

"Now no one could get in.
A harmful place we live in.
A shame these extremes had to be taken."

Carrie's mother wouldn't let Carrie go out on dates: she made her wear homemade dresses and let her acne get bad. While this part was very blunt, It expresses a lot in a very little bit.

"But now, as I look back,
back at your cage, your box, and your chains,
were they necessary?
My only want was to keep you safe."

This is the only stanza that detaches the poem from Carrie. Carrie's mother didn't have second thoughts: the narrator of this poem did.

"I only hope you'll find your way to heaven again."

An excellent way to end a poem with potential.

Okay, this piece is basically pretty obvious. You should have a good balance of obviousness and obscurity, and this poem was just a little too obvious.

I would have used more imagery and more metaphorical talking. Learn to think in metaphors and imagery, and it'll be second-nature to you, and you won't have to think about it again.

[cry,crayola.]

i thought it was a little too straitforward....... i'll have to work on that.....

thanks!

[Ramona]

I really liked this, like Robin said, it reminded me of Carrie a lot. It was very cool.

[somewhatpoetic]

ooo..this is very nice

[cry,crayola.]

mmmkay. i changed it. i don't know if it makes sense now. oh! and should i change the title to it? i'm not sure if this one fits anymore....

[ScarletMornings]

i think this kicks a... uh, butt! he. he he. lol I love you cindy!! and this poem!! does have anything to do with a certain something we talked about??

[cry,crayola.]

maybe........ *shifty eyes*

[ScarletMornings]

i knew it!! don't give me your shifty eyes, you punk!!