Failure to Burn

[ScarletMornings]

i'm not gonna lie, a trifle long, but hey, i haven't written in awhile and i apparently had a lot to say. ;D i don't like the title, so help me out, kids. plus i don't know if i shoud use italicizing and bold like i've been inclined to lately. i only italicized words i made up, which queen of rain has a nifty little name for that i've forgotten for now. what do you guys think?

I came upon a dream one day
as I wandered a careless path
in the realm of always the sun and sometimes the wind
baked to sun kissed gloriousness
a kind gesture from some god with ennui
fiddling around in a divine kitchen

Earlier I had gasped along in what might have been
a sultry heat so scorching,
if I only have a lover in the sun,
as my lungs labored over fallen boulders
wishing for the wind’s sweet kiss
as they struggled to clamber with me
startled as I passed rocks like fallen angels
who were struck down by the heat themselves
their wax and feather wings melted from their cliché flights
too close to my dream lover’s golden breaths

The laughing wind blew me aimlessly
until I sat upon an angel lover
all turned to stone
I do not know if it was he or I
more frozen
for we both lacked the heat
to truly burn in this fireland
him from his love lost to stone,
and I from a love never come
and we wouldn’t light
no matter how gold the sun tried to paint us
with his reckless pretendings of an artist’s soul

So as the wind sang saccharine melodies
I sweet-talked my stonedeaf angel
practiced my virgin hands on his rock hard chest
in an effort to start a fire
as he wearily gazed at the disappearing light
who had gone to his woman
as he longed to do to his
not some mooncooled child
unstoned but cold as him
for the opposite reason
he was sunstone fallen in eternal night
I was arcticalibis for my failure to burn in flames

But I whispered burning sensualities
as the angel-coveted sun sank below,
down to his bed hidden under the horizon
to take whatever golden lover he’d found
to bask, blinded, in his glory
as he loved her in pleasurebright glows
odes to his brilliant sunsoft burnings
infamous to desert dwellers
who listened wistfully
as the wolves unconsciously echoed their cries
canine heads flung back as they blazed a path of fire
directly to the icy moon

Oh yes, I came upon that sleeping dream
fragile like desertlives in drought
and though it was a raging inferno,
so bright I had to shade my moon-jaded eyes,
I could make out through the smoke
the hazy shades of my stonefallen angel
flown away from the awkward prison he'd plummeted to
to a golden women with smoldering eyes and sunbeams for hair
and I could have woken that sleeping dream
woken and broken a miracle with a touch
trying to graze my fingers through the candle flame
for a fraction of the fire in a dream to melt me to liquid ice
then to nothing but a pool of flames

I would have roused that sleeping dream
so sweetly and gently vulnerable in the dark
but my fallen angel smiled a sunbright smile
lit by endless love
and she, golden, returned it all
so a sunrise burst before my eyes
and I froze, again, then rescinded my hand
a sunny smile frozen upon my lips

So I slunk off into the night drenched realm
of always the sun and sometimes the wind
the only place I really belonged
alone and frozen, yes, when the moon rules
but at least I do not watch a fallen angel dream of another
the daughter of the sun, whom he loves as she burns
even more alone in his company
when I saw him wrapped in the image of her
burned in his eyes
for my bitterfrost could not melt him from her light
so I hiked past the dream
to live truly in the cold while I could
for I would no longer pretend in the sun
in the desert realm of angels, fallen and dreamt

[somewhatpoetic]

wow...that has fantastic imagery in there i must say. i agree with you that the title is a little off...just off the top of my head it should have the word frozen in the tittle...but i'm not a good title maker-upper...so thats just what i think...maybe frozen in the sun...but maybe not...i don't know...

[cry,crayola.]

Stonefallen Angel? i dunno....

i'm not gonna lie to ya (hehe!), but i love this! i think the imagery is great! i do think that it does get a tad wordy in some places, but not a lot! the way you've set this up is great. i'd point out all of the places that i love most, but that's too much, and, i'm not gonna lie to ya (i love that! give rae my compliments!), i don't have the time right now. oops..........?

[Robin]

Great imagery.

"baked to sun kissed gloriousness" is my personal favorite.

At first I didn't really know where this was going - the beginning was a bit longwinded - but the meaning becomes clear after you read the poem a bit more. I like that. A lot of archaic authors wrote poetry that was difficult to "get," and even modern writers sometimes hide their meanings well in their poems. You wouldn't really know it by just listening to the music (unless you're very observant), but Semisonic has a lot of very...uh...naughty lyrics. 'Get a Grip' is a rather innocent sounding song, but if you pay attention to it, it's actually about self-pleasure (get a grip on yourself, you know you should//I've got a grip on myself and it feels good). You're one of the modern authors that mingled the obscure art of archaic authors with the more obvious themes of some modern authors. The result is a vaguely ambigous poem that doesn't really try to shove the message down the reader's throat, but that also doesn't try to hide the message from the reader either. A healthy balance of these is what your poem has.

Personally, I like the title now, but it seems a little too descriptive and slightly forced. Maybe a line from the actual piece would work. You could call it 'Reckless Pretendings' or 'Failure to Burn,' or something like that.

[behindTHEmask]

You always amaze me with your descriptions. They're amazing because of the unique way you come up with such words. It gives you an edge above all others, and one day, I swear, I'm going to see these poems published.

I like the title the way it is. It's simple for such a complex structured poem.

[ScarletMornings]

wow guys, thanks. i was afraid it was getting wordy in the beginning, but when i left a bunch out it seemed wrong to me. any suggestions as to what i could do to work on it? and i still am undecided on the title, even more so now, but i'm leaning towards robin's failure to burn, which i like a lot. thanks so much for the comments!

[cry,crayola.]

isn't robin great? if the best critique board was still up, i'd be nominating her. her, or queen.

[ScarletMornings]

yeah, i'm not gonna lie, they help me out a lot!

[darktears]

OOh, I truly love this, it;s so spectacular and so much description. I do agree with the others it does get a bit wordy in spots and the title is not the best. I love this poem though, it's so fantastic, nice job.

[ScarletMornings]

so i changed the title, now which parts are too wordy?

[somewhatpoetic]

i like the title a lot more now!

[Queen of Rain]

Its really ahrd to make me read a long piece, but you did it girl! It was lovely, in my opinion poetry is incomplete if its themes are all clear, undertones are the difference between nursery rhymes and poetry! And you do it well, you could use even more refined diction though to emphasise those brilliant ideas you put forward through "bed hidden under the horizon" "virgin hands" and hte contrast between child and adult...
I personally think you could condense it a bit because some stanzas just walk past me unnanounced...
Fav part.. "mooncooled child" so sounds like something from a Jim Morisson song..