White Lie

[kurai]

I hold your heart, by my worn hands
Hold you nearest, I push your soul afar
Over the worn and sunken hills
away from my deceiving eyes

When I start the frenzied words
They'll never stop
Like a raging river,
With not a dam to break the flow

My pale lips unsealed
‘I love you’ I say
You tremble with love and hope
with desire and lust,
If only you knew

Once I speak
I never stop
Like a persistent weed
it’ll never lessen

You hug me,
Kiss me with tenderness
that sends shivers down my spine
With love that I never found
Nor wanted

My words like crimson blood
Flowing, causing pain
because of another,
White lie

You want to take the step that waits
You soar in the clouds
So pure, so white,
So flawless
Your luminous eyes
Never noticed my
Baby blues

Like the dawn and dusk
of day and night
They never stop, Shall never cease
Like shackles I’ll never escape

Another weed grows
Another river flows
Another dawn comes
Another white lie

[cry,crayola.]

i like the idea you have here, but it seems too choppy in places. commas and lowercase letters to start out lines can help, i think. or not having certain line breaks.. i'll have too look back for that.

choppiness is all that i was worried about. especially in stanza 3.

[Ramona]

"Over the worn and sunken hills"
I really like this description.

This poem seems rather choppy and awkward to me. Perhpas if you used more punctuation and didn't seperate teh lines so much. I'm sorry I can't be more specific.

[Robin]

I agree with Ramona.

Too many line breaks makes for a choppy, tedious poem.

I liked the idea portrayed, just not how you portrayed it.

[kurai]

Okay. Now I just have to figure out how to make poems flow. It's so much harder than I thought it would be. I did a little editing. Not much, so I 'll have to go over it again.

[cry,crayola.]

the flow seemed better at the beginning (stanza 2 seemed just a little off......) then when we hit stanza 5, it got all choppy again. it is better, a whole lot better. try reading it aloud to yourself. everytime there's a line break, pause a little. same for commas. if it sounds okay to you, keep it! if it sounds like it needs to be changed, you can do that, too. it's your poem. do what you want!

the idea here is magnificent, in my opinion. this poem could be astounding! you just have to fine tune it in certain places.

[Robin]

Yeah. I think if you do the rest of the stanzas like the first and second stanzas, it'll be very good.

[kurai]

I'm determined. xP Thanks guys. I'll be spending some time on this poem.