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Post by Confusion on Dec 28, 2005 14:13:25 GMT -8
Cry the oceans
Fill my pain
There is nothing left
Of that we claim
Flee self-doubt
Let pride saw high
Free this bird
This midnight sky
For none shall cry
Upon the night we die
‘I am an angel
See my wings?’
A vision
Or merely your obsession
This is how I dream
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Post by Confusion on Dec 28, 2005 14:15:04 GMT -8
i just wrote this this second so im sure its pretty rubbishy...
the theme i was aiming to put across is basically explained by the title 'It is never hard to say: ‘I love you’ meaning that in a relationship lotsa people sometimes say they love them without meaning it... not quite like in films where its oh - so hard to say...
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 28, 2005 15:14:44 GMT -8
I understand you aim but youir words do confuse me a bit.. your idea is brilliant adn it comes out well in the frist stanza..
"For none shall cry upon the night we die" Is really amazing!! but it could be emphasised if the stanza was more connected to the title?
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Post by Robin on Dec 28, 2005 16:36:50 GMT -8
Yes. Finding a more suitable title would help tie it all together.
A lot of the time, you don't really understand some things if they don't have an appropriate title.
Right now, the poem's just a little to abstract to match the title.
I get what you're saying, but it would have been a lot harder to figure out without your explanation.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 29, 2005 14:35:36 GMT -8
"For none shall cry
Upon the night we die"
-flow seemed kinda disrupted there, to me, so i had to read it a few times to understand the rhythm there. maybe it's just me? prob.
i agree with robin. the title's important, and if you hadn't explained it, i'd be in the dark about how the poem and the title tied together.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 29, 2005 14:53:34 GMT -8
I understand your theme here, but the way you worded it was a bit confusing at times. Adn teh second stanza to me is very awkward, because of the inconsistent rhyming there.
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Post by Confusion on Dec 30, 2005 12:19:59 GMT -8
any suggestions for a more suitable title??
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 30, 2005 12:21:15 GMT -8
how about something in the way of
Seems too easy to say "I love you"
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 30, 2005 13:01:50 GMT -8
Meaningless Love?
i'm not to great at titles myself........
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Post by Robin on Dec 30, 2005 13:43:25 GMT -8
The original title makes the poem almost too straightforwards, like you don't even need to read the poem to know what it's about.
I shouldn't be talking, considering how straightforward most of my titles are, but perhaps something more abstract would help you here.
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