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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 28, 2005 13:04:13 GMT -8
In theory we are
the perfect couple
but really I feel
tha you think I'm unperfected
Seems reality wants us
to go insane,
normalized,
and theoretically loved.
How come you are the norm
and I turn into an exception
that have to be normalized?
How come we hate the artist
yet love the music played
as we love politics
even though we know
practise doesn't quite make perfect,
only theory remains unarmed.
It seems your in love with your motif
as an artist really should be
yet I fail to me more than a muse
drive you insane
keep you alive,
or so you say at least.
You want to undress me
and immortalise my appearance
Yet then you dress me up
in new clothes,
your visions make me over.
To you, I'm sketched
and you want to paint me
Your colours don't do me justice anymore
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Post by Robin on Dec 28, 2005 13:36:46 GMT -8
This is one of your better poems, I think.
"How come we hate the artist
yet love the music played"
This part stood out to me in particular. It did dwarf the first stanza and make it seem less than it was, so that might be the downfall to having a really good line like this in a poem. But it didn't overshadow the first stanza all that badly, so it's okay.
"practise doesn't quite make perfect,
only theory remains unarmed."
I feel like I've read it before. Of course, you're using a timeless style in your writing, so that may be it. Regardless of whether it's been used in other works before, it worked well in this poem.
"yet I, your muse
drive you insane
keep you alive,
or so you say at least."
It's hard for me to see how this connected with him loving his artwork, unless you were trying to show how he loved his art, but was consternated by you?
"To you, I'm sketched
and you want to paint me"
This was a good way to introduce the ending to the poem. Although, like the prior portion, it was hard for me to piece together. Call me stupid, but this poem just felt like it was all over the place, though it is obvious that you centered it around a main theme, which is good. I see very little poems that stick to the point that aren't from this site or from FP.
That might have been the point, though. And maybe I'm being too nit-picky, I don't know.
Despite a few flaws, it turned out nice. It's definately not the worst piece of work I've ever seen.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 28, 2005 14:10:32 GMT -8
My poems are generally here there ang everywhere, hopefully with a tiny red lione through it which you'll notice when you analyse it and bind itg together in the end..
Um its generally the idea of "He loved, yet he just didnt quite like her" jsut not that brutal.. Its about him wanting to perfect her after his standards..
I think I should change artwork to motif.. cos she is his motif that he wants to change, the sketch... thus instead jsut inspiration = muse..
SO in general its the contrast between theory and practise, the sktech adn the finished painting.. The visions of the artist and the reality of the motiv... THe boyfriend wanting his girlfriend to be mroe like him,thus less than what she really is.. tHe sensuality of Croquis...
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Post by Robin on Dec 28, 2005 16:34:58 GMT -8
Yeah. Changing artwork to motif would help a lot.
I see, now that you've explained it.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 31, 2005 5:10:30 GMT -8
revised a little.. added a part th4e undrewss part... to clarify and to connect to the title
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 31, 2005 7:50:51 GMT -8
yes, i think this is a lot better from the other one. motif kinda helped clarify things.
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