Little Ballerina Girl

[kurai]

I'm pretty aware that my poetry is definately not as good as most of the members of this site. And so I decided it's time to work on that. So here's my next attempt. Kind of strange but I tried.

My Ballerina Girl

Little ballerina dance under the moon
Leap with the Silver stars
Little Ballerina Girl, promise me
To never stop

I whisper this to you,
I hold you in my hands
You leap, you soar
Cold metal of the dusk
Music of the dawn arrives

Strands of silver,
Threads of jewels
Like the night and day
Like the strings of life
Just keep dancing,
My little ballerina girl

Satin skies of cerulean
Grasses of emerald stones
The voice of my world
The words of the orchestra
Those never stop playing

I lie down by you
Let the dew freeze
Let the hail and snow of ice burn
Just keeping dancing,
My little ballerina girl

Lift your pointed feet
Leap over me
Let the jars of essence break
But I won’t notice
I won’t care.
Just make your graceful leap

Bright of eyes of multi colours
Follow your every move
Like a branch fight
The storm.
You slow
You stop, you rest

A trembling hand reaches out
Turning
Never breaking
My Little Ballerina girl

[Robin]

"Little Ballerina never stop"

I like this part, but I don't like the rest of the stanza. "The dance of life" just sounds too blunt.

I think "little ballerina, promise me you'll never stop" would sound cooler, but that's just me.

"Cold metal of the dusk
Music of the dawn arrives"

This was the best part of the second stanza. The second stanza just didn't really fit in with the rest of the poem.

The third stanza was just repetitive. You could have gotten away with not having it at all.

"Painted expressions
Never changing
Silken dresses more beautiful
Than perfection
Red slippers dangled by
The rosy ribbons"

Whimsical, but irrelevant. It doesn't really illustrate your point. I've learned that, if it doesn't contribute to your main point, you don't need it. Otherwise, you end up being too wordy, like me.

The next three stanzas are equally irrelevant. If I was writing this poem, I'd just take them out.

"You slow
You stop you rest"

I like this part. It's powerful. I could see it being sung in a song.

"An ivory hand will keep you
Turning
Never breaking
My Little Ballerina girl"

The ivory hand part seemed out-of-place to me, but the rest of the stanza was cute. 'Turning/Never breaking//My Little Ballerina girl" was nice.

[kurai]

-nods- Thanks. I'll change that quickly. I noticed somethings you said as well I as I was quickly going over it. I guess I didn't proofread to the best of my ability.

[cry,crayola.]

once again, i find it a tad choppy. it just needs to be able to flow easily and smoothly.

i like this idea though. very nice.

REMEMBER: punctuation is your friend. sometimes it's needed to help flow and rhythm. same for line breaks, or lack of.

[Ramona]

"Leap with
The Silver stars"
Seemed like an awkward line break.

Love teh last stanza. The rest of the poem: This is gonna sound really stupid, but I think maybe there was too much imagery there. It felt as if you were trying too hard to create and image that you kind of lost sight of what image you were creating. I could be wrong, but that's just the feeling I get.

[kurai]

-nods- Thanks for the critique. I'll go over it again.