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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 27, 2005 23:47:52 GMT -8
Well i hope this is ok...i wrote it late at night...but that is kind of when i do most of my writing. I was just remembering something that happened not too long ago..so here it is.
The Lavender Coffin
The Lavender coffin
devised a devious plot
the color blinded me
shocked by its innocent evil
Wrapping itself around
the plastic woman inside
taking her down
down closer to hell
The husband looks
at his lost lover
while i go insane
wanting to warn him of the danger
I see too easily
my face in that dungeon
trembling, I tumble
into the darkness
Ok..so i changed it..hopefully for the better.
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Post by Robin on Dec 28, 2005 9:07:09 GMT -8
"Wrapping itself around
the plastic woman inside"
This was the only line that really appealed to me.
The rest of it didn't really click together.
Why is the lavender coffin dangerous to the man? Is it because of depression that his lover died?
While holes in your plot like this can be interesting and make the reader think, you should do all you can to explain it without spoon-feeding your idea to the reader.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 28, 2005 11:12:51 GMT -8
I was trying to make it a little abstract so the reader could figure out what the danger ment acorrding to their own emotions and experiences. For some pople it could be depression, it coule be insanity, it could be that I wanted to tell him that he is close to being in a coffin himself.
But if you think i should change it, do you think i should add another stanza?
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Post by Robin on Dec 28, 2005 11:29:34 GMT -8
If you can add another stanza without disrupting your flow/meaning, by all means, do it.
It won't hurt your poem if you can do it right.
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Post by kurai on Dec 28, 2005 12:03:52 GMT -8
I'm by no means an expert on poetry. So if something I say sounds completely idiotic excuse me. I have to say i agree with Robin about the "Wrapping itself around
the plastic woman inside" really stood out. It was really stayed with me after the poem was finished.
At the third stanza there was "while i go insane quietly" It sounds almost too wordy. Perhaps take away the quietly. The last stanza was a little off to me. It didn't seem to fit exactly with the rest of the poem.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 28, 2005 22:00:19 GMT -8
Ya..i wasn't so sure about the last stanza either. I was going to write a diffrent poem to begin with but that didin't really work out so I tried to fit some of what I had been thinking into the last stanza. But I totally took it out now and changed some other things so I hope everyone likes it better.
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Post by Robin on Dec 29, 2005 12:46:50 GMT -8
I like it better now, but that could just be me.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 29, 2005 14:37:23 GMT -8
i think it feels a little choppy in some places, like it doesn't flow line to line, stanza to stanza. that's prob. just me. *sighs* i guess i'm just odd like that.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 29, 2005 23:16:21 GMT -8
i understand...my poems lately havn't been all that great..but i've been trying..lol
i usally have like a couple that are good and like 10 that are bad..lol...o well
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 30, 2005 0:05:11 GMT -8
personally, i like this. i think it's short and to the point, and i love how the coffin's evil can be whatever you want it to be. i think this is a poem that is definitely for the reader, in my opinion, because it can be interpreted differenlty.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 30, 2005 9:52:52 GMT -8
muchos gracias
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