Stand Tall

[kurai]

Like I said somewhere else on this board I noramlly stick with stories and novels. But I felt creative. More so than I have in quite some time. And so I decided to write a poem (that's rather angsty). So here's my attempt:

Whispers in my ears
Bindings taking my breath away
Murmurs about me
And the threat to society

They told me this, they told me that
I couldn’t be me
They broke my wings, they held me tight
Now I know what I want
I wanna be free

But I’m tired of it all
I’m tired of him and her
Of it and that
Tell them tomorrow
I'll be gone

Bloody wrists and killing words
Leaps of faith and dying dreams
Gravity in place, Rules reformed
But it’s too late

But I’m tired of it all
I’m tired of him and her
Of it and that
Tell them tomorrow
I’’ll be gone

I set myself free
Notes and pin-ups in the distance
Words gone in a certain degree
I left it all behind

Now I stand tall
The wind no longer bites
The sun no longer burns
Night and Darkness no longer scare

Now I stand tall

[Ramona]

Third stanza was nice, I don't know why, but I liked it for some reason. AS for the rest of the poem, it seemed a bit cliche to me. When you actually mention "bloddy wrists" in a suicide poem, usually it means the poem is cliche. Try to get the reader's mind to go there without taking them there directly, does that make sense?

[kurai]

You have a point there. I'll have to change most it all anyways. I don't normally write poetry but oh well. May as well touch up my skills. It was something completely different in the beginning. It kind of got carried away, and I lost sight of what I wanted it to be.

I'm going to edit away on it. I'm going to make it what I wanted this time. The third stanze is what I was building on. It's part of what was planned.

[Ramona]

I see, I know I've done that before. Well, keep working at it, the third stanza really shows potential.

[cry,crayola.]

yeah, that's the only thing i can think of... it being cliche and all. it seems to get a bit wordy in some places, so some line breaks might be needed as you see fit. like instead of saying "bloody wrists and killing words" make that into two lines. "bloody wrists/ killing words" i dunno. whatever you like. your style of poetry is your own.

[Robin]

I can't really FEEL it. When I read a good poem, I should have a Stephan Jenkins moment. I should be thinking "This is poetry, man. This is freaking poetry!" I didn't think that when I read your poem.

The thing that turned me off this poem the most was the overpowering suicidal under shades to it. You shouldn't write a poem just because you were bored, and that's the message I got from this: I was bored, now behold my poem of angst and suicide.

[kurai]

Heh heh. Robin, that's kind of what I did...