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Post by Ramona on Dec 25, 2005 18:19:29 GMT -8
Yeah, I'm way too proud of this. It'll probably reveal it's true terrible-ness tomorrow. -----
The incense of your body
slides over my face.
Let me lean into your fragrance.
Would you caress me with your chivalry?
Fooled by your politician’s smile,
your voice to me is dreamsmoke.
The things you said
seem only imagined.
Breathe sweet-somethings to me until
sunset.
Fingertips whisper along skin:
your husky tone evolves me
pour down on me,
rain down on me,
rain down your liquidsorrow
There’s kerosene in my veins,
and your warm mouth is the spark
that sets me aflame.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 26, 2005 3:23:17 GMT -8
-you should be proud of this girl! its amazing!! the diction and neologisms are beautiful and brilliant.. creates such nice rhythm!
weakest part is perhaps "So I lean back and feel it" - lacks the brilliant diction and seems weird rhythmically..
The strongest part must be the metaphor "Fingertips whisper" or the amazing "rain down your liquidsorrow"
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Post by Ramona on Dec 26, 2005 9:15:42 GMT -8
Thank you so much. I thought the same about that line, I'll see if there's anything I could replace it with.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 26, 2005 12:37:01 GMT -8
I'M FREAKING IN LOVE WITH THIS!!!!!!! it's soooo amazing! i'm just............ stunned in awe. i can't even describe..... everything's just so perfect. the diction the rhythum....... wow.
i think i pretty much love the word dreamsmoke.
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Post by Robin on Dec 26, 2005 17:33:24 GMT -8
While I did enjoy it, I didn't think it was AMAZING.
It was good. It conveyed its point to the reader, provided powerful, original imagery, and got the point across in a relatively short span.
The only part that really jumped up and bit me was "There’s kerosene in my veins//and your warm mouth is the spark//that sets me aflame"
The rest of it was kind of hazy and vague.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 27, 2005 11:02:50 GMT -8
I was going for kind of ambiguous, if that's what you mean by "hazy and vague," otherwise I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it ver much.
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Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 11:26:32 GMT -8
Well, it was ambiguous, but it just felt kind of mundane. It didn't really stand out.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 27, 2005 23:56:51 GMT -8
i like this...i agree with queen of rain about the 3rd line in the 1rst stanza but other than that i thought it was good! The words you used, like "politician’s smile" , "sweet-somethings ", and, "liquidsorrow", are awsome. I also really like the last stanza.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 29, 2005 14:49:30 GMT -8
Thank you very much.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 29, 2005 14:52:57 GMT -8
i dunno if i missed it before, or if you changed it (my mind is crazy maddness lately) but the repetition of 'rain down on me' is bugging me a bit........
it's prob. just me (again. *sighs*)
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Post by Ramona on Dec 29, 2005 14:56:21 GMT -8
Yeah, I thought it might be a bit much at first, too, but then I read it with "rain down on me" said just once, and it was very bad. And three was dfinitely too much, so I kept it at two.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 29, 2005 14:58:47 GMT -8
maybe changing wording, or something? i dunno. i do agree with you, though. two is prob. best. i'm prob. going crazy and losing my mind therefore seeming idiotic and stupid. bleh.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 29, 2005 15:16:48 GMT -8
Maybe if I change it to three different words that mean essentially the same thing? Perhaps I will.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 29, 2005 15:22:39 GMT -8
OK, I changed it a bit, how is it like that?
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 29, 2005 17:56:41 GMT -8
yay! i like it better this way.
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