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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 20, 2005 21:21:30 GMT -8
humm...well i don't think i like the 3rd stanza...but i don't know....
Scars of the Heart
Pale white tracks
down his delicate wrists
tell stories of sorrow
His big, sad, brown eyes
look imploringly at me
"fix me" he begs
I don't know where to start
His face sagged with weariness
almost ready to take
the final plunge
laying in the dark, acid
drops ooze down his face
"help me" he cries
I don't know how
My spirit doesn't ease
his aching soul
Nothing I do heals his heart
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 21, 2005 16:02:09 GMT -8
i don't know what your talking about. i think the third stanza's fine! i especially like the word plunge.
this is amazing and vivid. i almost want to cry........
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 21, 2005 16:02:36 GMT -8
oh yes, the title is amazing too!
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Post by behindTHEmask on Dec 21, 2005 16:37:48 GMT -8
I like your idea, but I think you've made this too cliche.
If you deepen your metaphors or enhance your imagery, it would be more your own and unique.
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Post by Ramona on Dec 24, 2005 15:22:53 GMT -8
I agree with behindTHEmask, but I really like the first stanza, how you describe scars while still leavin your meaning to the imagination, if that makes sense.
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 27, 2005 11:22:21 GMT -8
i does...and thanks...i'll try to work on it
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Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 18:39:52 GMT -8
You gave me a Vanessa Carlton moment.
"There's nothing piano recital-y about it. It's Goth."
That's what I thought when I read it.
I got a good image of what was going on, and you didn't feed your message and imagery to the audience via a baby bottle.
The third stanza doesn't really fit in with the rest of the poem, you're right, but if you changed it, it the poem would lose the pattern you've set up.
Eh. It's a good poem, despite what you might think about the third stanza. It's not like SOMEWHATPOETIC GETS OFF A GOOD ONE YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA good, but it's good.
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