shine (revised)

[cry,crayola.]

what has happened, darling?
everything is so dry
so meaningless.
and as i cry, for you
for me
i wonder
thoughts of emptiness only greet me.
everything used to be perfect.
ideal.
the sun shone through you
now, theres only a dim stream
the bonds that held us so closly togther,
they're snapping so quickly
such ease
to quickly for me to repair them.
i'm tired and exhausted, darling.
these broken strings can't fix themselves.
i beg of you to help me.
i beg of you to shine again.
for you.
for me.


i'm not really sure about this one. i just kinda wrote things down. blehblehbleh. ah well. constructive crit, as always, please!!!!!!

[ScarletMornings]

i like it, and i like some of the imagery and the diction, but it doesn't seem like there's enough emotion in it. like you said, you just kinda wrote something down. i really like the parts with shine, and i think you could use that in a stronger way or a more central part. it's a poem that's got some great parts, but it seems kinda monotonic (that's a word now) in other parts so the really great parts don't stick out as much. maybe just get some more emotion in there, and i think you'd have a really great poem.

[cry,crayola.]

hmmm........... ok, i'll try and think about this.

[Ramona]

It seems like there's too many words in there that don't have any poetry or emotion in them. However, the last five lines were brilliant!

[cry,crayola.]

wow. i just reread this, and i see what you guys mean. this is so dry. bleh. awww, dangit.

[cry,crayola.]

i still don't think its any better. bleh. blehblehbleh.

grrrr.........................

[somewhatpoetic]

o i think its better!

[cry,crayola.]

no, it's still too.......dry. ugh.