What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit--

somewhatpoetic
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What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Dec 14, 2005 22:44:18 GMT -8

Quote

Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 14, 2005 22:44:18 GMT -8

What We Refuse to See

The leech sucks at your tender skin
It takes all the good and leaves the sin
The priests say it will cure us all
But its sugar coated smile should appall
In our hearts we know it does us ill
Be we like the way it feels when we take that pill
And so society smiles
As our bodies lay in heaps and piles
looking for the quick fix we
ignore the fatality
of our greed crushing
the world ending

i don't know if this is any better...but hey..its a start! haha

Last Edit: Jan 7, 2006 13:36:54 GMT -8 by somewhatpoetic

Ramona Administration Posts: 1,323	What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Dec 15, 2005 15:28:47 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Ramona on Dec 15, 2005 15:28:47 GMT -8 I really like the beginning of the poem, but the last four lines seem forced.
	"Hold my head inside your hands. I need someone who understands. I need someone, someone who hears. For you I've waited all these years. For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come, Until my day, my day is done. And say you'll come and set me free. Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me."

somewhatpoetic Guest	What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Dec 15, 2005 17:43:56 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 15, 2005 17:43:56 GMT -8 i agree...i think i need to revise it cus i'm not too happy with it...but i like the consept of it

cry,crayola. Senior Writer yeah, i'm lame. Posts: 569	What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Dec 15, 2005 20:13:41 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 15, 2005 20:13:41 GMT -8 i agree with ramona, but all in all, it's amazing. very nice, brittany. very nice.
	hopless stray prone to wander. crycrayola!, warrior; lest the blind lead the blind.

ScarletMornings
Administration

http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/ednamillay/7278

Posts: 1,061

What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Dec 15, 2005 20:40:06 GMT -8

Quote

Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 15, 2005 20:40:06 GMT -8

britney! BRITNEY! her name is britney, cindy, you punk! okay brit, i agree with ramona, a very good poem except the last four lines do seem a little forced. but i agree, i love the idea of this. very nice.

"Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave,
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned."

-- Edna St. Vincent Millay,
from "Dirge Without Music"

Go to the link and read it!

cry,crayola. Senior Writer yeah, i'm lame. Posts: 569	What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Dec 16, 2005 16:08:13 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 16, 2005 16:08:13 GMT -8 sigh oops again.
	hopless stray prone to wander. crycrayola!, warrior; lest the blind lead the blind.

somewhatpoetic Guest	What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Jan 7, 2006 13:40:38 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 7, 2006 13:40:38 GMT -8 well i FINALLY revied it..but i don't kno if it is any better at allll....but anyways...here it is!

somewhatpoetic Guest	What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Jan 7, 2006 13:41:17 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 7, 2006 13:41:17 GMT -8 revised**

cry,crayola. Senior Writer yeah, i'm lame. Posts: 569	What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Jan 7, 2006 15:45:32 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by cry,crayola. on Jan 7, 2006 15:45:32 GMT -8 rhymes seem a little forced at some parts, and sometimes the flow is disrupted in some places.....
	hopless stray prone to wander. crycrayola!, warrior; lest the blind lead the blind.

somewhatpoetic Guest	What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Jan 8, 2006 11:42:25 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 8, 2006 11:42:25 GMT -8 I KNOW!! i can't seem to get it right!! i'll work on it some more later.

Queen of Rain
Senior Writer

I'm Swedish, that should explain it all..

Posts: 614

What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit-- Jan 8, 2006 14:57:13 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Queen of Rain on Jan 8, 2006 14:57:13 GMT -8

I like the idea, but the rhyming feels so forced the words kinda lose their meaning to me.. liek "looking for the quick fix we" is really weird rhytmically.. while the two first lines flow really well

A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what a ship is built for

What We Refuse to See--revised a little bit--

Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 14, 2005 22:44:18 GMT -8

Post by Ramona on Dec 15, 2005 15:28:47 GMT -8

Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 15, 2005 17:43:56 GMT -8

Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 15, 2005 20:13:41 GMT -8

Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 15, 2005 20:40:06 GMT -8

Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 16, 2005 16:08:13 GMT -8

Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 7, 2006 13:40:38 GMT -8

Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 7, 2006 13:41:17 GMT -8

Post by cry,crayola. on Jan 7, 2006 15:45:32 GMT -8

Post by somewhatpoetic on Jan 8, 2006 11:42:25 GMT -8

Post by Queen of Rain on Jan 8, 2006 14:57:13 GMT -8