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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 14, 2005 19:57:56 GMT -8
ok...I revised it so tell me if you like it any better...I think it has improved, though i may be just biased.
The Damnation of a Rose
The rose withers from within
a smell of putrid damnation
rises from its petals
forsaken by the gardener
where is its savior now
where is its savior now...
Years of bitter drought has
made its beauty brittle
an atmosphere of animosity
has abolished its ambition
where is its savior now
where is its savior now...
its roots shrivel with
painful atrophy
and thorns grow
sharp in a need for defense
where is its savior now
where is its savior now...
Finally a crude hand plucks
and murders it's wild beauty
then throws away in disgust
the thing it had created
where is our savior now
where is our savior now...
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 14, 2005 20:01:20 GMT -8
wooooooow. britney. i am oooooober impressed! this is FANTASTIC!!!!!!! i love this and the imagery and the idea and the words. very, very, VERY amazing, if you ask me! just, wow. wow. absolutely WOW.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 14, 2005 20:01:57 GMT -8
hey, brit, i'm a moderator. can i put this in the hof? (hall of fame, cough, cough)
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 14, 2005 20:05:24 GMT -8
lol...well THANKS!! sure i'de be honored! haha...
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 15, 2005 13:59:28 GMT -8
Ok I really like this.. lovely ideas and formulations.. feels like a song lysirc to me.. critisism; rhythm in 2nd line last stanza, its weird and off... but thats all.. other than that its lovely
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 15, 2005 20:27:28 GMT -8
queen stole my crit.
ah well, this is absolutly a-may-zing. i love it oh so much. congrats on hof! very well done, brittany. very well done.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 15, 2005 20:31:53 GMT -8
cindy. it's britney. BRITNEY. i wrote it above. sigh. you silly. britney, i still love this! and if you want to like revise it or anything, then i could change it in the hof for you if you want me too!
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 15, 2005 20:39:30 GMT -8
ok...thanks...i will change it soon...i'm just horrible at getting around to revise anything...haha
but never fear..i shall!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 15, 2005 20:44:02 GMT -8
psh, i am the most horrible reviser ever. once i've finished, as long as i'm happy, it may be wrong like they say, but i don't really revise it anyways. i'm too lazy.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 15, 2005 21:03:23 GMT -8
ooooooooh. me think it's MUY PERFECTO now!!! i love "murders its wild beauty"!!! amazing!!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 15, 2005 21:03:42 GMT -8
and btw, do you want me to change it in the hof?
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Post by somewhatpoetic on Dec 15, 2005 21:07:18 GMT -8
ya...if it sounds better that way
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 15, 2005 21:17:01 GMT -8
k, i was all over it and changed it for you. yay!
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 16, 2005 16:07:05 GMT -8
whops. sorry. i spelled ur name wrong in other places, too. thats what i get for paying attention, eh?
i really like this revised. it seems so much stronger now. very nice. i applaud *claps*
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