"Woman-creature, show me crimson."

[Ramona]

I was so excited when i finished this last night, but I didn't get to post it until now. I think it's the best thing I've written in a while, lately I've been writing mediocre poems, but I like this one. I can see where it needs some editting, but I'm too lazy to do it now. Please, tell me what you think.

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“Hand me a glass of wine, my dear,”
The scales on your wrists escape me.
Ripple with me above the ground.
How is it my head is as smoggy as the sky?
Your mouth is sticky against mine,
As I watch it transforms into a grim slash.
Red wine, so red it’s crimson

“Make me a warm winter shawl, my dear,”
The cruel point of your needles startles me.
Weave with me through Indian Bouquets.
How is it your black button eyes burn me?
Your ears are reflective next to mine,
As I watch they transform into tinfoil caps.
Red yarn, so red it’s crimson.

“Scare me with tales of dark things, my dear,”
The flare of your nostrils frightens me.
Scream with me like tainted tears.
How is it your legs have no shadows?
Your hands are long on mine,
As I watch they transform into branches.
Red nails, so red they’re crimson.

“Show me something to remember, my dear,”
The flow of your body terrifies me.
Flicker with me across freckled cheeks.
How is it our veins pulse the same?
Your teeth are the pickets in a too-white fence,
AS I watch they transform into knives.
Red blood, so red it’s crimson.

[Queen of Rain]

WOW this diction is brilliant, it perfect! I love the uniqueness in this piece and it must be the best thing ive ever read from you! the imagery is so well carried and seduces the reader!

[Ramona]

Thank you so very much!

[ScarletMornings]

i absolutely agree. this is a brilliant piece, and i completly adore it. can i put it in the hof?? (i feel so pretentious asking that!)

[Ramona]

Of course you can, if you want. I'm honored that you asked.

[behindTHEmask]

I really like this piece. I think it's beautiful how you started it with a quote for each stanza, and ended it with the crimson color. Brilliant.

[cry,crayola.]

this is amazing! it seems like everyone on here has found their newfound talent and bursted with all this great work, not like your work has never been great cause it always is. i promise. i was a little confused with the first stanza though. but i've had a long day and i'm super tired, so i'm probably just not thinking. I L-O-V-E, LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[darktears]

Oh, I love it too, I totally agree with everyone else. It's brilliant, I must say. I really love the third stanza most, thought they're all very well written.

[Ramona]

Thank you all so much! I never dreamed any poem of mine would get such positive feedback.

[Robin]

I don't know why this one is near the top again, but at the risk of looking like an idiot, I'll review it anyways.

"As I watch it transforms into a grim slash."

This felt forced, like you didn't know how to express an idea that you wanted to express, so you just BS'd your way through it.

"How is it your black button eyes burn me?"

The whole 'button eyes' part was a little too...cute for this piece.

"Your ears are reflective next to mine,
As I watch they transform into tinfoil caps."

Eh? Original imagery, but it doesn't really...fit together? Also, I'd suggest sticking to one body part per stanza. The first one described the mouth, the last the face. I think that it makes for a more consistant poem to do so, and it keeps from overloading the reader.

The rest of the poem was just...well...blah.

I found that the repetition and structure took away from the meaning of the poem. After so long of so much repetition, I just start thinking "so?" It's like there's no point to it after a while.

I think that using a freer metre and structure would help this poem a lot, although I think that it would be pretty hard to do that, seeing as it's already up and going.

I liked the idea portrayed here, but not really how it was portrayed.