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Post by Confusion on Dec 6, 2005 14:05:39 GMT -8
Forever us:
I'm here
As yours
This is the time
Of the living
This is the day
To wash the roses red
Forever this:
My sin, of hunger
Feed me
Life as a new born
Our cry
The joy to be
Just you
Just me
This space in life:
Loves sacrifice
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Post by Confusion on Dec 6, 2005 14:06:00 GMT -8
i think this is rubbish.... but o well
all comments very welcome!!!!!
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 6, 2005 16:28:56 GMT -8
i like this one lots and lots and lots. tis not rubbish at all, but is very good. i like it, but to me it seems like the flow kinda broke weird at "this is the time [pause] of the living" i dunno, but maybe it's sposed to be there? i'll have to look at it again. I LIKE IT LOTS! (just incase you didn't get the message the first time.)
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Post by Confusion on Dec 7, 2005 8:26:42 GMT -8
hehe, thanx!
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Post by Ramona on Dec 7, 2005 8:50:28 GMT -8
I really like this, the end is magnificent (I'm a big fan of playing with punctuation) but the rhythm seems a little choppy in the third and fourth lines.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 8, 2005 9:11:26 GMT -8
I love the variation in the poem, the simple language and the short rhythm at times are very effective at times too simplistic.. in general i like it because the theme is brilliantly dealed with
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