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Post by Ramona on Nov 28, 2005 9:31:52 GMT -8
I loved you.
We did everything we were supposed to,
spaced it out so it fit,
but
I don't think we ever really meant any of it.
I loved you more.
I was afraid it would mean something,
afraid that if it did I would lose it,
just
like everything else that ever meant something to me.
Still, I loved you more.
Whisper sweet somethings in my
ear because I'm tired of getting
nothing
back from you who I gave everything to.
I didn't care that you didn't care.
The smell of rain tells me what I already know,
but refuse to believe.
I think I used to be you.
And when I realized this,
I loved you the most.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 28, 2005 9:33:15 GMT -8
I now realize I only have a vague idea of what i'm trying to say here.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Nov 28, 2005 12:08:19 GMT -8
Ok I loove the end.. from Whisper sweet the poem is brilliant in wording uniqueness and imagery..
before that? "I love you" is a very strong word which easily becomes cliché in the hands of a young person.. THe beginning of the poem in general is much weaker, it seems kinda like emotional rambling when you have a lot of feelings and jsut want to get them out..
I would use perhaps some lines like "I don't think we ever really meant any of it." (maybe instead of the caring thing in the end) but then cut the rest..
Really sorry if I sound mean but with just the idea in the end this poem woudl be brilliant
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Post by Ramona on Nov 28, 2005 16:07:07 GMT -8
Yeah, ha, I was hoping no one would notice that the beginning was terrible. I based the whole thing off the "whisper sweet somethings" thing and just threw in some other things. I completely agree with you, I jsut felt like the poem needed something more.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Nov 29, 2005 13:16:59 GMT -8
It doesn't many poems are great in their shortness
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Post by ScarletMornings on Nov 29, 2005 14:00:20 GMT -8
i think this a good but just kind of general and vague. i agree with queen of rain(as usual!) and i think this could be really good if maybe it meant a little more? i don't know what i'm saying, actually, so just ignore me.
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Post by darktears on Nov 29, 2005 15:27:50 GMT -8
I liked this quite a bit, actually. Hee hee, some of it did seem like, ooh, how to put it like different, eh, hate that word but. Yeah.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 29, 2005 16:40:44 GMT -8
I see wher y'all are coming from. I get what you're saying, ScarletMornings, it needs more depth, right? WEll, you're right, i didn't really have much of my emotion in this one, I just liked the phrase. Thanks, all of you.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Nov 30, 2005 1:33:04 GMT -8
I think its jsut the beginning that needs depth.. The second half is amazing...
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 1, 2005 18:51:24 GMT -8
yeah, that was what i was going to say. as i was reading it, i was just kinda feeling nothing. i wasn't really getting anything from it. i really really really liked the end though, but that first half was just kinda dry, i guess.
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