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Post by Queen of Rain on Nov 15, 2005 12:49:24 GMT -8
Revised the end;
And would still appreciate some constructive critisism on the word choice
I don’t want to leave you
but maybe I need to this time
Don’t look at me that way
you know it used to make me cry
It is better
for both us
if this last night really
becomes the last one
The nights of liquor kisses,
we could blame it on youth
But we’re lovers and adults
only when we’re sharing drinks and bed
We seem to aim for a state of amnesia
to blame our acts on hazy shadows
Teenage yearning, in adult bodies
But its all just sorrow,
Cos’ we aren’t who we used to be
and if we remain in this mad game,
holding on to what only used to be
We will never find eachother
because ourselves will be long lost
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Post by Ramona on Nov 15, 2005 16:11:14 GMT -8
"Don’t look at me that way
you know it used to make me cry"
Brilliant.
"The nights of liquor kisses,
we could blame it on youth"
That entire stanza is great.
Fnatastic ending. I liked this poem a lot. And the first two lines that I almost forgot to mention, awesome. I'm sorry I can't offer crit on this one.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Nov 15, 2005 17:26:53 GMT -8
no crit. none. this was absolutely fantastic. very, very sad. but very very fantastic.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Nov 16, 2005 0:59:43 GMT -8
Thank you, I wanted to make the tone sad and emotional without mentioning in the poem how the persons actually feel.. I feel that the especially the first stanza is a bit too simplistic in diction... But I'm really glad you liked it... any idea what ttitle I should chose?
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Post by ScarletMornings on Nov 16, 2005 13:16:39 GMT -8
idk, i really like it doesn't taste like it used to, but i'll think about it and see if i can think up anything.
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Post by Ramona on Nov 17, 2005 9:06:43 GMT -8
I actually like the current title. I'll think about it and let you know if I come up with anything stupendous, though.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Nov 17, 2005 16:54:26 GMT -8
cough cough RAMONA IS A COPYCAT!! cough cough. jk, jk! you're just a pointless person, right ramona?
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Post by behindTHEmask on Nov 17, 2005 17:02:37 GMT -8
I think something like 'Liquior Kisses' would work for the title, because that's what you were referring their night to and what you put the blame on.
The piece was beautifully written, I must say. Teenage yearning, in adult bodies. Very true with people, these days.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Nov 17, 2005 19:21:20 GMT -8
oooh, liquor kisses is nice too. i applaud.
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Post by mswrite on Nov 17, 2005 19:27:35 GMT -8
I like Liquor Kisses as a title. It's an amazing poem.
"Teenage yearning, in adult bodies."nice touch.
the entire last stanza is just such raw truth. I love it.
Keep it up!
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Post by Ramona on Nov 18, 2005 9:06:38 GMT -8
Yes, I'm just pointless, sorry, I didn't read your post. Man, behindTHEmask's idea was the one I just came up with. I like Liquor Kisses, it fits.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Nov 19, 2005 7:50:06 GMT -8
Thank you guys; The stanza with Liqour kisses is my favourite too..  Because I like the idea of having grown out of the relationship.. also the difference between teenage behaviour and so called adult behaviour.. Soooo how aboout "These Liqour kisses doesn't taste like they used too" |
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Post by ScarletMornings on Nov 19, 2005 8:13:08 GMT -8
ooooooo. nice. very nice. very, very nice. i applaud.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Nov 20, 2005 7:12:11 GMT -8
revised ending.. is it better like that or should I go back to how it was before??
(...
and if we remain as we are now,
painstakingly holding on to
what now only used to be reality
We will never find eachother
because ourselves will long be lost)
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Post by Ramona on Nov 20, 2005 15:09:51 GMT -8
I don't know, but I kind of like the original ending better.
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Because I like the idea of having grown out of the relationship.. also the difference between teenage behaviour and so called adult behaviour..