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Post by ScarletMornings on Oct 10, 2005 15:08:59 GMT -8
I really don't know.......? help?
How frustrating is it to love and they don’t notice? how much pain can you fit into a body so fragile before you’re destroyed? I must be getting close because dreaming that you would love me is like trying to dig a hole to China with a spoon impossible crazy
while I'm at it might as well fly to the moon your love is about as reachable as a star a million miles away so cliché but still so inaccessible dancing just out of sight on beams of light dark and bright hey, I rhymed you make me a poet do you even know my name?
Scoop the ocean up in a bucket and take a drink let it flow out your eyes a river of my tears I'm wandering again lost I fell in love with hopeless you and I'm digging to China with a spoon
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Post by behindTHEmask on Oct 10, 2005 16:46:00 GMT -8
I love your ideas in this poem (ex: Digging to China with a spoon). I've never seen that one used in poetry before. But some of it seems cliche. The first few lines caught me as that, but maybe if you use a bit more imagery, it will cease. But, it was still beautifully written with beautiful ideas.
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Post by Ramona on Oct 11, 2005 7:49:03 GMT -8
I like the concepts like the ocean and bucket thing and the digging to China with a spoon, but some parts could be more detailed.
"on beams of light dark and bright hey, I rhymed you make me a poet do you even know my name?" I love the structure of that part.
Ramona
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Post by ScarletMornings on Oct 11, 2005 18:13:55 GMT -8
cool. which parts could i fix with more details? i'll work on not being cliche.
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