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Post by darktears on Jul 28, 2005 13:19:02 GMT -8
Every time I look to the night
it's dark and bright together.
Both Stars and Sky stretch across the earth.
Each time I look to the roses.
I see black and red together.
When your here,
I see only red roses.
Most of the time,
when you're around.
My tears turn to memories,
As you give me a better direction.
You help me fall into your arms.
and guide me the right way.
Your beautiful in my eyes.
And thanks for being so brave.
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Post by darktears on Jul 28, 2005 13:19:19 GMT -8
This is my second or third poem.
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Post by Confusion on Jul 28, 2005 14:05:46 GMT -8
hmmmmmm...... great, fantastical ideas!!!... the poem just doesn't flow though.... the ideas aren't in a nice sequence either.... seems sorta just thrown together.... great great great ideas, but needs more thought and explanation for things like 'bright and dark' sounds really good and doesn't have to make total sense to the reader... but some sense otherwise they just get confuzzled! i hope you do redraft this cos i think it could be really good!
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Post by darktears on Jul 28, 2005 18:07:43 GMT -8
Thanks, I tried. Lol. I like your thoughts. It was only my third poem. I checked. I'll think of some ways to make it better.
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Post by Confusion on Jul 29, 2005 1:41:21 GMT -8
cool!!! wow, its good for only your third, but i think you have such great ideas and could make it soooooo much better!
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jul 30, 2005 23:19:31 GMT -8
yep, it could flow better together, and examples could be more varied, even though some sentences are amaaazing.. but there is somehting very fascinating behind the contrasts in your poem!!
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Post by Confusion on Jul 31, 2005 2:48:48 GMT -8
i looooooove the line 'it's dark and bright together' but you realli should put a bit of an explanation of this confusion in your poem... or maybe not an explanation, but state that it is a confusion kinda thing..
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Post by darktears on Jul 31, 2005 14:11:23 GMT -8
okay, thanks alot.
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Post by Confusion on Aug 1, 2005 0:45:24 GMT -8
welcome... i hope you do edit this sometime cos i think it could be realli great!
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Post by darktears on Aug 1, 2005 12:35:33 GMT -8
okay, I'll work on editing it.
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Post by darktears on Aug 1, 2005 12:39:26 GMT -8
I did a little bit of editing...just a tiny bit.
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Post by Confusion on Aug 4, 2005 8:01:31 GMT -8
it's lots better!!! I still think, if you wanted, you could improve it further... but i think it's great how it is too..
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Post by darktears on Aug 4, 2005 15:49:46 GMT -8
Okay thanks alot. I only did a tiny bit of editing because I was running late to go to town with my mom.
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