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Post by Confusion on Jul 23, 2005 15:28:59 GMT -8
This girl is me
Quizzical smiles
Earth stained attire
I follow
The dainty path
Lead by trodden roses
Sweet odours escort me, today
I pray too, in the morrow
This is me
My glass sphere
Past and future snarled together
In loosened rope I rest
Look deep
Dream filled hazel eyes
Volcanoes erupted
You cannot see my past from here
See my afflictions
My ruthless creatures of the dark
Cannot see what made me this, today
I follow in this phase
Surrounded in this maze
Finally reaching
Triumphant footsteps
As the path becomes me
Flowerless days may again arise
Impede them
Set the way, today
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Post by Confusion on Jul 23, 2005 15:31:23 GMT -8
i think this is the first happy poem i have written in many years.... not sure if it will come across as happy, but i didn't want it too jolly..... it's meant to be about being ahppy and things going right and noticing when you feel like this, cos all too often we only remember the bad times!
I know i like my ideas for this poem... but not sure about the acual poem, i just had the idea for it and typed it up quickly... probs needs lots of editing, would really appreciate suggestions and comments on this!
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Post by Confusion on Jul 25, 2005 10:02:12 GMT -8
ahh... someone please comment!
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Post by Ramona on Jul 25, 2005 11:29:35 GMT -8
I think this poem is very nice. Could use some work, but overall this is an excellent effort. I especially liked the concept of describing yourself, and your particular emotions at the time, but with phrases that make it sound more like thoughts than an outright description (which is good.)
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Post by Confusion on Jul 25, 2005 12:25:11 GMT -8
thanx!
yes, i agree it could use some work... only im unsure what to do... any suggestions on how to edit this anyone?
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Post by Confusion on Jul 28, 2005 14:10:11 GMT -8
ahhh... someone pllleeeeease pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease comment!!!! I realli realli wanna perfect this one!!
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Post by darktears on Jul 29, 2005 15:54:32 GMT -8
This was nice. Just needs some more...something. Ha. Let's see, I really loved this line 'I follow in this phase Surrounded in this maze'. I was just wondering if you wanted this to be a ryhming poem or no. At some points it was rhyming and then it wasn't. It made me kinda confused lol. because at times the rythm was the same and others it wasn't. So I was just wondering. But otherwise a pretty good job.
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Post by Confusion on Jul 30, 2005 0:41:06 GMT -8
Nah i didn't want it to be a completely rhyming poem... but i thought it made it flow a bit to have a few bits that rhyme..... does it seem dodgy or is it okay like that?
thanx for commenting!!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Aug 5, 2005 18:01:18 GMT -8
I LOOOOOOOOOVE THIS EXACTLY LIKE IT IS!! WONDERFUL!!!
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Post by Confusion on Aug 6, 2005 10:11:03 GMT -8
thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!  |
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