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Post by Ramona on Jul 10, 2005 10:28:34 GMT -8
Wrote this a long time ago, and I'm reposting it. Let me knwo what you think. ----- Walking in
With gap-toothed grin
And shovel still in hand
Wearing thin
The second skin
Of dirt and gritty sand
Brown mud pies
Stretched to the skies
Bare feet all in a row
Crooked smiles
Made worth your while
Sunflower seeds to sow
And in the spring when flowers bloom
You'll be glad that you did
Spend time with your now-grown child
Who used to be a kid.
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Post by Confusion on Jul 10, 2005 11:02:13 GMT -8
hmmm.... i loooooove the way this flows!!!!!!!! You make it seem so effortless, i wish i could write like that!!!! The only thing is is that i don't realli understand the poem, but maybe the reader isnt't ment to... i duno... also, it all flows sooooooo super duper well, but the ending is too sudden and doesn't flow, i think this would be great if you made the end flow!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jul 10, 2005 19:49:07 GMT -8
i love this! it's such a wonderful and simple representation of childhood, but yet is seems so accurate. it makes me think of when i used to come in at my grandma's after playing in the sand box and in the yard, and how i'd always be soo dirty and i was always barefoot so my feet would be covered in mud. the ending does seem a bit abrupt, but i really do love this. reminds me of being little. its a very simple and beautiful poem, but with innocence and emotion in it. wondeful job. this is a usually cliche topic but this is just awesome.
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Post by Confusion on Jul 11, 2005 1:43:23 GMT -8
yup that's true, you have managed to avoid cliche very well!!!
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Post by Confusion on Jul 11, 2005 1:44:17 GMT -8
Also i think now i have reread the poem i grasp the idea of it a lot better than i did before.... i was veeeeeeeery tired when i read it before!
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Post by roxiecheerchika on Jul 11, 2005 10:53:37 GMT -8
I think this poem is an excellent example of your ability to write. I remember seeing this and thinking it was okay but now that i read it again i can understand it more. It makes you think. It's not something you get right away you need to soak it up alittle and it's good enough that the reader will take that time! I love it!
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Post by Confusion on Jul 11, 2005 11:14:26 GMT -8
i agree!!
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Post by Ramona on Jul 12, 2005 18:07:06 GMT -8
Wow! Thank you all, I never thought it would get such positive feedback. Thanks, the con-crit really helps.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jul 17, 2005 1:27:44 GMT -8
i like the flow, hwoever i thinbk the end, where you give a fruther dept to the poem could be much better if it all was flagged for earlier in the poem
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Post by Confusion on Jul 17, 2005 6:17:17 GMT -8
...i dunno... i personally prefer it just how it is!
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