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Post by cry,crayola. on Jun 30, 2005 15:04:49 GMT -8
deal with me. this is my first thing i'm putting on here. not to harsh now.  anger. fire within me fire burns fire hurts fire destroys. it kills kills loved ones MY LOVED ONES! the fires the flames orange and red everywhere on his face my darling's face his arms his smile now gone despair. hatred. fire. anger. |
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jun 30, 2005 15:06:35 GMT -8
i'm no Scarlet Mornings, sara i envy your talent, but here it is!
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Post by Confusion on Jul 1, 2005 7:59:51 GMT -8
yay, you posted something!!!
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Post by Confusion on Jul 1, 2005 8:01:31 GMT -8
this shows great ideas!... however from the skill with words that this shows you have, i think you could do soooo much more with this! how about extending each line, more description around your adjectives! i think that would be great.  |
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jul 1, 2005 21:09:44 GMT -8
well, cindy, i agree. this is a very great idea, and it has wonderful potential. but spice up the language and create more imagery. this is potentially brilliant, just develop it more.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jul 5, 2005 23:46:59 GMT -8
i like the "one word" style... the effect of it is perfect in the end where every line adds up to the rhtythm and imagery.. however it was close that i missed this amazing piece as the beginning of hte poem is very repetitive and unoriginal, "fire within me" lets say it lkike this, we've heard it before, which is not the deal with the amazing rest of the poem... i dont think you need to extend it, jsut work a lot with chosing your wording better in the beginning and play more with your words there adn it will be excellent
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jul 6, 2005 19:59:52 GMT -8
you know, i think queen of rain is right, but i think you could also take it the way confusion suggest depending on waht ur trying to get across. but i think a definite thing to work on would be ur language.
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Post by Confusion on Jul 7, 2005 7:57:53 GMT -8
yup, this piece could be realli realli great!
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Post by cry,crayola. on Jul 8, 2005 20:56:49 GMT -8
thanks guys! constructive critisism (sp?) helps a lot!
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Post by Confusion on Jul 9, 2005 8:52:59 GMT -8
yup it does!!! i'm soooo grateful to all the help everyone has given me to improve my poems too!
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Post by Ramona on Jul 10, 2005 10:33:23 GMT -8
I liked how you seperated your words into one-word lines, it makes for a more impactive read, but I think you might have used it a little bit too mcuh. The poem was great in its simplicity, nd depicted raw emotions very well, but it could be expanded upon a bit, but it's a good poem just the way it is.
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