Monotone

Queen of Rain
Senior Writer

I'm Swedish, that should explain it all..

Posts: 614

Monotone Jun 30, 2005 7:22:04 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 30, 2005 7:22:04 GMT -8

Monotone

Take me away
Vacuum ahead
strangles me sweetly,
ripples in my head

Your breathing is heavy my child
and you fingers are bluer
than the eyes af Herr Empty

He stranges me sweetly,
Vacuum ahead,
warmth of this solemnity
that I now call my home

this poem is partly a description of writers block but to me it turned to a deeper description of melancholia..

A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what a ship is built for

Confusion Senior Writer Posts: 518	Monotone Jun 30, 2005 11:57:47 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Confusion on Jun 30, 2005 11:57:47 GMT -8 this is good.... and it leaves the reader wondering, which is good... but perhaps too much wondering... i think it would be great if you added a couple more stanzas?.... good job though!
	"One day I'll be a rainbow belly just like you," she whispered in his ear, "I'll cover painful scars with the brightest tattoos. I want to be a rainbow belly just like you."

ScarletMornings Administration http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/ednamillay/7278 Posts: 1,061	Monotone Jun 30, 2005 14:50:56 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 30, 2005 14:50:56 GMT -8 i agree. but great job.
	"Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave, Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, from "Dirge Without Music" Go to the link and read it!

Queen of Rain
Senior Writer

I'm Swedish, that should explain it all..

Posts: 614

Monotone Jul 1, 2005 0:44:44 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Queen of Rain on Jul 1, 2005 0:44:44 GMT -8

its a bit werid that on this page people always say make it longer, as if a poem under 25 lines aint a poem.. i mean i usually write things that are like 4 lines long... this iu was more thinking of taking away the middle stanzas as it is jsut weird.. so sorry guys, ill really try to make it less confusing but it wont b much longer..

A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what a ship is built for

Confusion Senior Writer Posts: 518	Monotone Jul 1, 2005 7:58:00 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Confusion on Jul 1, 2005 7:58:00 GMT -8 kk, that's cool! you are right, it isnt the length that is important it's what's in it... so if it was less confusiog im sure it would be great!!!
	"One day I'll be a rainbow belly just like you," she whispered in his ear, "I'll cover painful scars with the brightest tattoos. I want to be a rainbow belly just like you."

Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 30, 2005 7:22:04 GMT -8

Post by Confusion on Jun 30, 2005 11:57:47 GMT -8

Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 30, 2005 14:50:56 GMT -8

Post by Queen of Rain on Jul 1, 2005 0:44:44 GMT -8

Post by Confusion on Jul 1, 2005 7:58:00 GMT -8