Underneath

Confusion
Senior Writer

Posts: 518

Underneath Jun 26, 2005 11:42:39 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Confusion on Jun 26, 2005 11:42:39 GMT -8

Underneath
The whistles
Rage

No
We can’t talk
Talk about it
Now

Underneath
Your silent scream
A piercing dream
Dream

Look within
Your distant breeze
I see a dark fire
Burn

Dusty days
No more heartfelt ways
In this crowded maze
I see only you
Now

You

A dying hymn
As we sing within
I’ll pray
You
On the other side

You ask why
Murder clouds
Mist filled eyes
Inarticulate orifice
Muttering, only
‘You’

Last Edit: Jun 27, 2005 7:36:46 GMT -8 by Confusion

"One day I'll be a rainbow belly just like you," she whispered in his ear, "I'll cover painful scars with the brightest tattoos. I want to be a rainbow belly just like you."

Queen of Rain
Senior Writer

I'm Swedish, that should explain it all..

Posts: 614

Underneath Jun 26, 2005 13:04:35 GMT -8

Quote

Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 26, 2005 13:04:35 GMT -8

another of your unique masterpieces... i dont liek the use of the "i love you phase" as there are so many better ways of saying it.. here it feels like you didnt quite know how to ends it... i love the effect of it.. this poem is very deep very deep, in my opinion it would be perfect if you used a more poetic and deep word than "love"..

A ship in a harbour is safe, but that's not what a ship is built for

Confusion Senior Writer Posts: 518	Underneath Jun 27, 2005 7:33:14 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Confusion on Jun 27, 2005 7:33:14 GMT -8 thanx veryy much!!!!!! Yup, what you said is exactly true, didn't know how to end it... i've been thinking about changing the end... ill give it some thought and put something better. thankyou!!
	"One day I'll be a rainbow belly just like you," she whispered in his ear, "I'll cover painful scars with the brightest tattoos. I want to be a rainbow belly just like you."

Confusion Senior Writer Posts: 518	Underneath Jun 27, 2005 7:37:00 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Confusion on Jun 27, 2005 7:37:00 GMT -8 is this better way of ending
	"One day I'll be a rainbow belly just like you," she whispered in his ear, "I'll cover painful scars with the brightest tattoos. I want to be a rainbow belly just like you."

ScarletMornings Administration http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/ednamillay/7278 Posts: 1,061	Underneath Jun 27, 2005 22:59:03 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 27, 2005 22:59:03 GMT -8 i didn't read it originally, but this is brilliant. absolutely brilliant. i ADORE this with a passion. it is very deep and thought provoking. wonderful job.
	"Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave, Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind; Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave. I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, from "Dirge Without Music" Go to the link and read it!

Confusion Senior Writer Posts: 518	Underneath Jun 28, 2005 7:30:45 GMT -8 Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Member Give Gift Back to Top Post by Confusion on Jun 28, 2005 7:30:45 GMT -8 thankyou!!!!!!
	"One day I'll be a rainbow belly just like you," she whispered in his ear, "I'll cover painful scars with the brightest tattoos. I want to be a rainbow belly just like you."

Post by Confusion on Jun 26, 2005 11:42:39 GMT -8

Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 26, 2005 13:04:35 GMT -8

Post by Confusion on Jun 27, 2005 7:33:14 GMT -8

Post by Confusion on Jun 27, 2005 7:37:00 GMT -8

Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 27, 2005 22:59:03 GMT -8

Post by Confusion on Jun 28, 2005 7:30:45 GMT -8