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Post by Confusion on May 21, 2005 10:34:41 GMT -8
Reflect my mood
I'll be whatever you make me
Speak my mind
Subsist my dreams
My ruler
My commander
I'll serve you faithfully
Say you're ready when I'm ready
You're mine
When I'm yours
Kiss that part of my neck you know I like
Laugh in cold, merciless delight
Never look back
Drink profligately from the devil's sea
Dress me in red
No longer can a good woman be made of me
We need no words
No mirth
No love
Just you
Just me
Simply lust
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Post by ScarletMornings on May 21, 2005 10:38:40 GMT -8
i don't know, i like it so far, but it seems like it has potential for a lot more. the title can give you a really cool theme, which you seemed to use a little( the idea of you reflecting what the other person does, i think) i think it just needs some development but i'm sure it will be fantastic!
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Post by Confusion on May 21, 2005 10:41:36 GMT -8
Thanx!
yea, its not finished yet, i think theres quite a lotta editing ill be doing before then... i just came up with the idea (sorta about a situation one of my friends is currently swept up in) and just quickly typed it up, still needs a bit more thought put into it!
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Post by ScarletMornings on May 21, 2005 10:46:51 GMT -8
i think that's cool. it's always a good idea to just get whatever you're thinking down quickly. i cant wait to see it edited.
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Post by Confusion on May 21, 2005 12:06:41 GMT -8
I've just edited quite a lot of it, i think its better than it was before... any comments or ideas for further improvement?
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Post by Queen of Rain on May 22, 2005 3:07:57 GMT -8
whow i love the lustfullness of this poem...its is varied and effectful "just lust" with its rhyming sounds a bit to happy for this poem, perhaps "simply lust" or somehting like that would be great..
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Post by Confusion on May 22, 2005 3:55:51 GMT -8
Thanx ;D
Yea i get what you're saying and changed it to simply lust. thanx very much for the help!
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Post by Ramona on May 22, 2005 14:46:28 GMT -8
It was a really good poem, but I think it could be expanded on a bit more. I did like how you conveyed emotions with short sentences like that, though. you should probably run it through Spell Check or something, too.
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Post by Confusion on May 23, 2005 9:07:12 GMT -8
thanx... i ran it through spell check and it reckons its all already fine....  i get what you're saying about extending it... but im not sure, i think maybe i like it how it is, but ill look over it again and see if it would be better extended, when im feeling more poetic |
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Post by ScarletMornings on May 23, 2005 14:11:47 GMT -8
I love this!!! it's amazing. perfect. leave it, in my opinion. it's just got some dark cool imagery going on there, and wow, i think it's amazing!   ;D |
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Post by Confusion on May 24, 2005 7:09:22 GMT -8
wow, thanx very much!!!  ;D yup i think im gonna keep it like this |
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Post by Ramona on May 29, 2005 7:21:16 GMT -8
I have absolutely no idea why I said to run it through SpellCheck, I thought there was something wrong with it for some reason.
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Post by Confusion on May 29, 2005 7:39:29 GMT -8
lol! no worries
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;D
;D