|
|
Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 5, 2005 14:07:53 GMT -8
Comment please
Wish I dared to ask you to lick the dust and let your teeth leave marks
Absurd
Such orange little room
Where they eat each other’s sins
I hear only echoes
But I suppose it carried beauty
Those delicate glances
Of hunger, teeth like beasts
And they say its orange and they say its maroon
And though I feel disgust
Nauseating stars slamming doors
I want to enter
Vulgar
The underworld
Bite marks to cover a sweating body
As for a while hide my deepness
Be shallow and desire
Nothing but tongues
Licking temporary sins
From the handcuffs
Absurd eager
|
|
|
|
Post by saralioness on Feb 5, 2005 14:10:23 GMT -8
Your poems are rather...kinky. I know that some people like it, but frankly, I don't like to hear about that. Although it gives a dramatic air to your story, it is a rather disturbing air. I would work on writing...cleaner? I don't know how to put it. I'm sorry, but I am not fond of things like that. Other people would probably like it better.
|
|
|
|
Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 5, 2005 14:26:10 GMT -8
Thank you for your opinion, I know my opem is disturbing..  . I usually write very clean poems. BUt after reading Lawrence i wanted to depict the awful in the beauty and the beauty in the awful... this is the result.. |
|
|
|
Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 6, 2005 3:02:53 GMT -8
Since it shoudl only be disturbing in the way that i feel disgust and not S&M related.. i have no changed it a little.. u will sitll find it disturbing tho..
Wish I dared to ask you to lick the dust and let your teeth leave marks
Absurd
Such orange little room
Where they eat each others’ sins
I hear only echoes
But I suppose it carried beauty
Those delicate glances
Abandon handcuffs, desire my body!
And they say its orange and they say its maroon
And though I feel disgust
Nauseating stars, Slamming doors
I want to enter
Vulgar
The underworld
Bite marks to cover a sweating body
As for a while hide my deepness
Be shallow and desire
Nothing but tongues
Lick temporary sins
From the these lips
Absurd eager
|
|
|
|
Post by louise on Feb 6, 2005 5:43:26 GMT -8
I love kinda kinky and erotic poems.... especially when there are a little surreal. I really love it. I think I like the second version best. It has the best spheer, aura. but for saralioness, the handcuffs probably made it worse.....
|
|
|
|
Post by Ramona on Feb 6, 2005 14:10:59 GMT -8
Ardent. Nice, in a disturbing-in-a-good-way, way.
|
|
|
|
Post by Pseudomuse on Feb 10, 2005 10:02:08 GMT -8
wow...i really like this poem. the imagery is amazing.
i love these lines--
Licking temporary sins
From the handcuffs
Absurd eager
Lurf PM
|
|
|
|
Post by Queen of Rain on Feb 10, 2005 10:10:08 GMT -8
you did? I changed form handcuffs to lips, not much difference to the meant content though... cos i liked the symbol but it was far to related to sadomachism, which is what I want to avoid since i want someone who analyses it to see that its far less complex...
I'm very happy you liked my attempt to write less naive poetry..
|
|
|
|
Post by saralioness on Feb 10, 2005 14:55:57 GMT -8
I like the second version better. I don't know why. Hmm. But it is really great of you to try and see the world from a differant angle, just like Jewel! (That's just something she said, dogs)
|
|
. I usually write very clean poems. BUt after reading Lawrence i wanted to depict the awful in the beauty and the beauty in the awful...