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Post by Confusion on Jun 24, 2005 8:30:04 GMT -8
‘Grandmamma’
I cry
Be gone
My fitful tale
Goes on
(Forever)
‘Grandmamma’
I mutter
I am foolish
To consider my innocence
(Guilty)
My deeds
Sinful nature
Remorseful sins
‘Grandmamma’
I’m sorry
Please help me through this
My self-inflicted pain
(Nothing to gain)
‘Grandmamma’
I love you
‘Grandmamma’
I care
I hope you shall always be there
(Watching over me)
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Post by Confusion on Jun 24, 2005 8:30:58 GMT -8
I wrote this to mark my grandmothers tenth memorials... i know this probably isn't very good... but i wonted to do something for her.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 25, 2005 19:06:39 GMT -8
Stuff that involves you emotionally is always hard to write about because if you didn't know the person sometimes it's hard to get the emotions across without sounding cliche. However, though it could use work(though I wouldn't want to change something about my family) you did a really good job of making this an interesing and bittersweet poem to read.
‘Grandmamma’
I mutter
I am foolish
To consider my innocence
(Guilty)
i think that is my favorite stanza. it was a very good job, but I personally don't really like writing this kind of poetry. however, you did a good job.
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Post by Confusion on Jun 26, 2005 9:36:30 GMT -8
Thanyou. what could i do to improve this, you said it could use work....
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 26, 2005 11:37:17 GMT -8
hmmm, i'm always horrible at figuring out exactly what could use work. let me think a minute. the last stanza just seems a little cliche. it is a sweet sentiment, but since we didn't know you're grandma, we can't fill in the details about her. maybe you could tell us a little more about her. try and look at the idea of her watching over you from a different angle. make it unusual. now, the first, second, and beginning of the third stanza, right up until after "remorseful sins", you have some great, vivid word usgae. however, after that, it seems like you use somewhat common words. i think you could spice up the language from there.
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Post by Confusion on Jun 26, 2005 11:47:11 GMT -8
thanx!! i see what you mean, i shall give this some work!
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Post by Confusion on Jun 26, 2005 11:48:44 GMT -8
also scarletmornings, or anyone else, pleeease could you comment on my 'grandad' poem... it's on page two.... i think it's different to this piece but probably too needs improvement, and no one has commented on it  hehe |
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 27, 2005 22:37:06 GMT -8
okay, i hadn't seen it but i will
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Post by Confusion on Jun 28, 2005 7:32:36 GMT -8
thanx!
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hehe