Night Without Words

[Queen of Rain]

Without a word I entered
That last time
Your room in darkness
Desires lead the way
A familiar lover’s body
Although I have only been here once
In this vacation from life
Speechless, breathless
Wordless love-making
The beautiful night
Moonlight cannot be embraced
Empty

Without a word you exited
My life
Or perhaps only
That temporary pause in it

Fucking unreal
So very true
It could not remain
Tears for realisement
What is my reality?
I think I would like
It to be you

[louise]

nice! great feeling and style! I love it. Just two things (Yes, I always have to nagg about something....)
The word exited. What an awfull word! never knew it was really used. I know it is a bit more cliche, but I think 'left' would be better, really.
And the last sentence of the first verse.
"The beautiful nightMoonlight cannot be embraced Empty"
It feels off, I don't know why, but it doesn't feel right...

[Queen of Rain]

I really like getting critisism.. otherwise i wud not post my poems.. im looking for a better synonym for "exited", still want it to be related to the "entered" in the beginning... i know some things aaare a bit of, becuase it was jsut too much emotions involved when i wrote it and i wanted to say soo muhc..