Candy-Coated

[Ramona]

I wrote this yesterday, I was going to make it longer, but my dad made me get off the computer, so I said "Hold on a second," and finished it really quick. As always, your comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

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candy-coated shivers running up and down my spine
living for the passion of the one who could be mine
showing up without a thought of what the monster touches
holding ever closer, dear, holding, holding, clutches
to her broken heart the memory: running out of time
catching someone in the sunlight committing victimless crime
thoughts bent over lips whispering to other lips
lips that resulted in her eyes’ total eclipse
shut against the blinding truth brighter than the sun
guesses are floating through air: he never was the one

[Queen of Rain]

wonderful.. nice diction AND nice ideas. I prefer shorter strucutre but i think you handle your structuring well

[saralioness]

Work on making it more grammatically correct, and also refining your writing. Right now it is brown sugar, you just need to run it through the mill to get nice granulated sugar to put on your cheerios.

[Ramona]

Thanks to both of you, I like the brown sugar analogy, and the grammar's all funny because I just wanted to play with punctuation and grammar a bit. Thanks again.