Tragedy Part 1

[nydreamer]

This poem was written because of a dream I've had. Please be honest and tell me what I should do.

As I sit here in this chair
waiting beside your bed
I can't help but feel guilty
and i reach and stroke your head

Do you even remember what happened?
how many drinks you had that night?
Do you know you were in an accident?
Did you not see the train's light?

The doctor said you were struggling
to hold onto your life
I cried a thousand tears
praying to God that you would be alright

I haven't left your side
I just thpught that you should know
please fight another day
I'm no where near ready to let you go

As tears come to my eyes
I remember the first time we met
you had told me it was destiny
I didn't know how much better my life could get

Can you hear me?
I sure hope that you do
please remember forever
that I will always love you

And as you lie there motionless
I pray that you will soon wake
I want you to remember what life is
do it for your mother's sake

And as I put my head down
almost ready to give in
I happened to see your finger move
and I feel a new hope within.
-NYdreamer

[Sparks]

I like writing out of dreams. It's always a good plan.

Okay, so what do we have here. I think I'll pull off a massive con/crit, if you want.

All right. What I think about this one is that the rhyming sounds forced. The words that you use in there are common. I don't mean go throw in something like pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcaniconiosis (I definitely spelt that wrong)- but you know what I'm saying. You don't need big, complicated words, just less used ones.
ie. the rhyme of "bed" and "head" in the first stanza, and "night" and "light" in the second.
What I do like is the scenario. I'm sure there is a way you could put imagery into this poem instead of just what is going on in the room. The questions that the character in the poem is asking are standard for someone in that position. I think it'd be more interesting to read if that person's thoughts were disoriented. You could find a way to work the emotions of the moment into the scenery and the touch.
Last of all, I think what it might be lacking is real detail.

In the end, I think there's potential here. If you work at it and take some of those factors into account, I'm sure you could improve it a lot.

[nydreamer]

wow, someone was actually honest with me!
thanks. I'll definitly try out what your saying and come back with an even better version.

[Sparks]

Any time

[ScarletMornings]

Well, I guess Sparks pretty much said it all. I agree, but I do like this poem a lot, and it has great potential. If you redo it, I would love to see the redone version. Just email it to me at [e-mail]. Great job!