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Post by quilleh on Jan 18, 2005 14:49:08 GMT -8
Okay; beware, this is horridly abstract. Maybe /too/ much so.
THE FINEST OF CHINA
Your china face is painted,
With your lips of crimson red,
They whisper useless lies.
While you say I’ve changed,
You’re the whore.
You’ve been tarnished,
To nothing less than untrue,
You are a tainted rose,
Blemished by fault.
Go back to your dollhouse,
You don’t live here anymore.
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Post by Sparks on Jan 18, 2005 15:04:07 GMT -8
I like this...
It's not too abstract, to me. I mean, that is, unless there's some sort of hidden message I am utterly oblivious to...
But it's good. A metaphor all the way through. It ends on the same note as the entire song, which is crucial in a lot of poems, so I think that fits very well.
I'd think about adding some form of rhyme scheme, but it's barely a suggestion, don't even worry about it if you don't want it to sound forced. For me, sometimes rhyming pieces read more smoothly than unstructured ones.
But I really do like it.
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Post by quilleh on Jan 18, 2005 15:18:11 GMT -8
Yayness, someone likes it! Thanks Sparks. *snuggleglomp* I think I'll avoid the rhyming scene, as lately it has had the tendancy to annoy meh.
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Post by Pseudomuse on Jan 19, 2005 16:31:46 GMT -8
WOW...WOW i loved this. it was simple yet amazing. i really have nothing to say to this, no quips, no criticism just i loved it.
this is by far my favorite line: Go back to your dollhouse,
You don’t live here anymore.
keep it up. PM
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Post by quilleh on Jan 19, 2005 18:33:18 GMT -8
Wow; thanks very much P.M. ^_^ That was a really nice comment. ^_^ *glomp* I feel so...luffed!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jan 26, 2005 21:16:26 GMT -8
Okay, since I agree with what Sparks(that sounds familiar) and Pseudomuse said, what can I say? I just really, really adored this. It was great, it was harsh, but softened by certain words, so it was a great combination. Does that make sense or am I just rambling? I do that a lot. Well, I loved it anyway! Great job! ;D
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