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Post by Confusion on Jun 6, 2005 12:32:11 GMT -8
Thrill me
Relieve me of this ennui
Thrill me
You know my lips await
You, your bitter sweet kisses
Thrill me
Like children let us gallop
Through the enchanted forest
Let us savour the forbidden fruit
Divine
Locked upon this magical enouncement
Oh the glee, to think
We shall never flee
This forest holds the key
All we shall ever need
Thrill me
We taste the fruit (again)
Our love
Harmony
Oh, the music
We sing to the Gods'
We ensue the floating blanket of the sky
Divine
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 6, 2005 13:54:11 GMT -8
i loooooooooooove the contrast between the divinity and the thrill.. but when you get too deep into the "oo were made for eachother" it sounds alittle naive (this might just be me though)..
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Post by Confusion on Jun 7, 2005 7:21:47 GMT -8
Thanx! i agree it doesn't realli fit the poem in the lovey kinda bit, im not sure if it sounds naive, but i think it doesn't fit because that is very love-ish and the rest of the poem is very lust-ish.. i think ill swap the love-ish bit for some more lust-ish.. which lines do you think i should change?
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Post by Confusion on Jun 7, 2005 7:31:36 GMT -8
edited! i got rid of the main lovey-dovey bit and edited one of the stanzas a bit... how's it now?
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 8, 2005 15:28:17 GMT -8
I adore it. I think since you first posted on here, you've improved humongously!! i think if we gave out awards, you would no doubt win the most improved. i love the imagery and emotion. wonderful job! one tiny suggestion, in the second line, the word boredom just seems out of place. why not try ennui? i'm pretty sure it's a synonym for boredom, or else all those romance novels have been lying to me!
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Post by Confusion on Jun 9, 2005 8:26:54 GMT -8
Yup i checked it, it is a synonym for boredom, and a great word, many thanks! for the word and your lovely comments!
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 9, 2005 23:49:55 GMT -8
tis´ great, i love it noow, sooo beautiful.. check the rhythm in the line "Your tender kisses", other than that i have no comments, great..
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Post by Confusion on Jun 10, 2005 8:21:31 GMT -8
Thanx! I have now altered that line... is that better?
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jun 11, 2005 12:29:41 GMT -8
THIS IS AWESOME!!!!
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Post by Confusion on Jun 11, 2005 13:47:05 GMT -8
Thankyou very much!!!
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