Roadtrip RP (after highschool)

[Sparks]

John broke down. Completely.
It was a break down Carolyn had never seen the likes of.
While Matt told them about the gang fight, Carolyn watched his eyes. She could see him glazing over at times, remembering with a hard look on his face, like he wasn't used to talking about it.
When she turned her eyes on John though, she was surprised to see him sitting straight, eyes closed, red streaks painting his face.
He kept swallowing, like he couldn't really breathe.
Carolyn could feel something building in Matt's voice. It was strong, it was angry. It wasn't something she liked to hear, but she recognized it.
Cameron had brought them together.
This remembrance was tearing them apart.
She could feel pounding in the back of her head, and she finally said, "Just stop it!"
John looked away, and his back shook.
She was astoundingly calm.
"What's the point in fucking fighting about it? Let's all see whose had the worst time. Let's COMPARE lives, see who has been more screwed over by the people they loved."
She felt herself getting angry now.
She was a difficult person to upset, but suddenly she didn't feel like she could stop herself, even if she wanted to.
And she suddenly wanted to.
"I feel for both of you, but I think I take this one."
She paused.
It was coming, like vomit in her throat.
The idea frightened her a bit, but she wanted to say it. She'd gone for a long time, not saying it. She had never let it out.
Too late to turn back now.
"I was sexually assaulted by my Dad since before I knew what the term meant," she said. "I used to stay up sometimes and make up plans of how I was going to kill him."
She shrugged.
"But we all go through shit, and I think we all deserve a chance to get out of this cycle."
She took a deep breath and looked at her hands again.
Forever was an awful long time.

[behindTHEmask]

Matt looked at her for a moment, speechless.
"I wasn't comparing lives. The point was perfection is in the eye of the beholder, and I do believe everything has its reasons for happening."
Looking at John, he pulled out some tissues.
"You both probably think it sounds stupid, and I'm not saying I don't miss Cameron or Jake, but both of them made me realize what I'm supposed to do. It sounds stupid, but ever since Jake's death, I play at a local teen hang out place. It's called The It. I play on Friday nights to try and keep teenagers off the street--so they don't end up dead for whatever reason. It's non profit, but someone--Cameron--once told me 'You can't save the world, until you save yourself'. So that's why I'm out on this roadtrip."
Matt gripped the steering wheel tighter.
"I'm trying to be saved."

[Sparks]

I always thought, if you wanted to change the world, you had to start with yourself...
The song came back to Carolyn as she sat and listened.
The explosion had tapered off. John's face was dry again, his eyes stony as he watched the road.
Carolyn wondered honestly if they'd ever make it out.
When they reached the hospital, what was going to happen?
Craig was still there, likely in a coma, or worse. She wouldn't be able to go home, and John refused. This kid Matt, he'd be on the road again as soon as they disappeared. And they still had no where to go.
The local hospital was in sight. Carolyn could see it up ahead. She was sure the rest of them could too, but she said it anyways.
"There it is."
It was the place where every aspect of her life going forward would be determined.
She was unnaturally tired.
Maybe she could slide herself onto one of their trays and fall asleep for good.

[behindTHEmask]

At the moment, Matt knew where he was headed. He knew where he'd end up.
Cameron's. His parents. He needed some incite.
(Do Cameron's parents live in Port Royal, or where?)
Nodding, he pulled into the driveway of the hospital. He thought about parking, but they didn't need him anymore. He'd just pull into the ER. Stretch his legs, smoke one of those emergancy cigarettes he used to calm his nerves and make a phone call.
"I'll drop you guys off by the door."
Pulling into the ER driveway, he sighed, stopping the car. Setting it in park, he let the ignition die.
"You two gonna be okay?"

[Sparks]

Carolyn found herself staring down at her hands again.
She had always had really small hands.
They almost looked like they belonged to a child.
I'll drop you guys off by the door.
She felt something, but she couldn't describe it.
She was afraid, and exhausted, but she couldn't really pinpoint what the main emotion was.
It really didn't matter.
She tried anyway.
The engine blew out and she sat in shock for a minute, realizing that it was actually over.
You two gonna be okay?
She heard the words, but she didn't really process them, until John answered.
"I'm sorry about everything," he said quietly, looking at Matt in that unnaturally dark way of his. It was the look that hid every thought that went on in his mind.
He grabbed the door handle. "I don't know what to do to thank you enough," he said. "This has been a pretty draining day for us. If you hadn't been there, we'd probably still be stuck."
He undid his seatbelt and pushed opened the door.
"You didn't deserve to hear anything I said. It was way out of line."
Carolyn watched him as he extended his hand to shake with Matt.
She watched and felt everything tenfold.
Where was she supposed to go?
John could shake hands and thank drivers all he wanted, but in the end, neither of them had anywhere to go.
Especially her.
She knew it would sound stupid - she knew it was unreasonable and way too much to ask of Matt - the kid had obviously been through way too much today, and almost all of it had been her fault.
The entire fucking trip was her fault.
But it was too late for that now.
She sat and wondered whether it would be okay to ask.
Finally, when she realized she couldn't just sit there forever, she said, "Do you think you could stay for... a bit? Just until we know what's going on?"
She knew she was asking way too much.

[behindTHEmask]

"Don't worry about it, John. It wasn't a problem." Shaking hands, he looked back at Carolyn. Matt could see fear in her.
Taking his keys out of the ignition, he listened to what Carolyn was asking.
Do you think you could stay for... a bit? Just until we know what's going on?
Matt nodded. "Sure, I just have to make a quick phonecall."
He shrugged softly.
"I'll meet the both of you inside, alright?"
He slid out of the front seat, shutting the door of the SUV.
Letting his hands fall into his pockets, he gripped the lighter. He'd grabbed the carton of cig's just as he slid out.

[Sparks]

The emergency room was full of people.
Were there always so many injured and sick?
John was standing close to Carolyn, slightly in front of her, in an almost protective way.
She would have wondered about it, but it didn't matter.
She didn't want anything to so with the sickness.
She wanted to see Craig.
She wanted to find out if he was ever going to be back.
It took them a short time to get to the service desk.
"We're here to see Craig Lebowitz," John said. His voice was... astoundingly collected.
Like he hadn't been through anything.
Carolyn didn't say a word.
The nurse at the desk gave them a serious look.
"Were you in the accident?" she asked sharply, eyeing their splattered clothes.
Carolyn looked down and John kept talking.
"Yeah. Can we see Craig?"
"He's doing better. We expect him to regain consciousness soon," she said, gesturing for them to follow her down a hall. "He's lost a lot of blood, but his condition isn't critical anymore. He'll make it."

[behindTHEmask]

Matt pulled out a cigarette, placing it between his lips. He lit the butt as his eyes watched them go in.
His stomach flopped as the door opened.
Disease floated out.
Death floated in.
The puff of smoke from his first drag settled into his clothes as he pulled out his cell phone. He needed to tell Cameron's parents he'd be coming.
He wanted to ask the for their advice.
He needed to see pictures.
Dialing, he walked around the outside of the emergency room. Patients sat outside smoking, just as he did.
He hoped he didn't look as pathetic as their tortured souls.
Dark circles lined their eyes, and wrinkles creased their faces.
Maybe they'd just been through a lot.
The dial tone left him to the answering machine. Apparently, they weren't home.
"I've thought a lot about the things Cameron's said. And over the past two years, I've been trying to figure things out. I need some answers, some reality...I was going to stop by sooner, but I ran into some trouble with things at home. Things got tough, but now I'm on the road, and I'm thinking about driving up. I've got a few things to take care of--helping some new friends. They knew Cameron--Carolyn and John."
Matt paused, throwing down the cigarette, stomping it out with the sole of his shoe.
"I guess I'll see you when I can. I'll have my cell on if you want to maybe call back. Peace and Love."
Hanging up the phone, he slipped it back into his pocket walking through the doors of the ER. He glanced around for Carolyn and John, but they'd already went to see Craig.
He walked to the information desk. "Can you tell me what room Craig--" He noticed he never got his last name. "is in? He got ambo-ed in from an accident on the interstate."

[Sparks]

It's been thirty-six years since James died on St. Patrick's day in 1964...
Against Me! lyrics were floating in Carolyn's head.
John still walked on that weird diagonal from her.
He limped, crooked - something she hadn't noticed.
He must have injured himself. The nurse was stopped by a doctor as she led them down the hall.
He pulled her off for a moment and they had a short talk.
Carolyn and John stood awkwardly, looking from each other to the nurse, wondering what was likely the same thing.
She came back with a stone face and told them they would have to go back to the waiting room.
John spoke out.
"Why can't we just see Craig?"
"His family is coming. I'm sorry, you don't have their permission to go in there... or his."
"We were in the fucking accident," he sputtered. "Is this some kind of sick joke?"
"They are flying in and will be here within the hour."
"Fuck hospitals!"
Carolyn watched him get red hot. She hated fights. She hated them like she hated nothing else.
It was never worth it.
"Fuck hospitals and fuck sticking around for your friends. Fuck living in this fucking society."
The nurse was surprised. "Sir, we're going to have to ask you to leave, if you don't..."
"Fuck you too!"
He was going and Carolyn stood, watching him as he started off.
He turned back for a second. "And you won't have to ask me to leave, because it's my pleasure."
Carolyn called after him, and jogged down the hall.
She caught up with him after a minute, and he turned on her.
"What? Are you trying to keep me here? This was as far as I said I'd go. I'm leaving."
"Where?" she choked, breathless. "What are you planning on doing after this?"
His deep, wide eyes looked straight ahead.
"I'm gonna drift."
She gave him a long look. "You can say that all you want, but I don't believe it. You're gonna wind up in some suburban sprawl, with your big-screen TV and a day job you hate. You're going to meet some girl you don't love, you're gonna have a family you never wanted, you're going to live a life you never asked for, all because you aren't big enough to stand up after this."
He stopped, so she stopped.
"What are you asking me to do?"
"Wait until we know..."
"I'm sick of waiting. Cody never waited. He lived a hundred miles an hour with his face on fire."
"So that's your plan?"
He glared at her. "You got a better one?"
She shrugged. "I didn't think you were like that."
"You never knew me."
"There was never an opportunity."
"It doesn't matter."
He shook his head, giving her a look that said "it's over, now, so why worry about it?"
She gave him a long stare. They stood beside the automatic doors to Emerg., that lead outside.
She broke it off and started towards the doors.
This time he looked surprised.
"You know what? I won't worry about it."
And she strode outside, the sunlight reflecting on her dirty face.

[behindTHEmask]

Before the women at the desk could answer, Matt heard Carolyn and John arguing. He shook his head to the women, signaling to forget his question, and begin to walk in their direction.
Maybe it wasn't a good idea to follow.
Maybe he shouldn't of even stayed in the first place.
His optics stared at John, shifting as they began to focus.
Matt found himself standing beside John, his hands resting in the pockets of his jeans. He didn't say anything.
Silence was golden at a time like this, but he couldn't see the two of them just throw out a friendship.
One of them would regret it.
Someone would always wonder the what if's.
Someone wouldn't die happy.
"Go after her."
It was a casual remark, but Matt meant it.
"You can't just let her walk away."

[Sparks]

The sun was warm on her face and neck.
It didn't relieve her body of the shivers that were still running up and down her spine, though.
Carolyn doubted anything ever would.
Back in Emerg, John looked over at Matt.
You can't just let her walk away.
He appeared undecided, biting his lip and taking a deep breath.
"You don't seriously think she cares, do you?"
His eyes were still as unreadable as they always were.
Always would be.
Outside, Carolyn reached the grass beyond the parking lot. She had her wallet on her.
She didn't need anything else.
A faint smile warmed her lips as she took in the afternoon air.
She thought back to what John had said about how Cody never waited.
He'd been a cool kid.
They had all been.
But every kid has to lose his or her cool some day.

[behindTHEmask]

"John, she wouldn't of put up a fight. Look, you two are the only ones left. Your friend Craig is in there fighting for his life. All she's got is you. It's obvious both of you are on edge, you just express it in different ways."
He reached into his pocket, his phone was ringing.
Adams. He'd let his machine get it.
"You both don't know where you are headed. She's leaving you out of spite. She cares, John. She cares."
He looked down at his feet,
Maybe he was wrong,
He didn't exactly know John or Carolyn, but he knew people live with regrets.
He didn't want to see either of them die in them.

[Sparks]

"Fine."
John stalked out the building, the sunlight caressing his skin.
He broke into a jog when he saw Carolyn's dim figure getting further away, about a hundred metres from him. He'd always been good at the hundred-metre dash.

Carolyn turned back for a moment and knew she shouldn't have.
"What are you doing here?" she said, bringing her feet to a stop and giving John time to reach her.
He broke out of his run and opened his mouth to say something.
"What?" she said.
He looked awkward. "Come back to the hospital."
Carolyn's expression went from cynical to irriated in a second flat. "Why?"
"Because Craig-"
"You never knew Craig."
He was incredulous. "We've talked before. He just doesn't like me."
"Shocker."
She started to walk away again, wondering why he wouldn't just leave her and go off on his own, "Drift", like he had said he would.
"Whoa," John said, grabbing her shoulder and pulling her around.
"Leave me alone!" she spat. "Why do you care where I go? It doesn't matter to me anymore."
He stared at her. "I didn't..."
"It doesn't matter."
He took a breath. "I'm really sorry."
They paused for a moment and she looked at the grass. "Yeah, I know."
After a minute, John said something else. Quiet. "I'm not usually like this."
Carolyn looked up at him.
His eyes were still so secretive. His thoughts were tightly tucked away, and she couldn't tell anything about him. She stared. It was just the way he'd looked before anything had happened. She was sure she appeared to be a wreck. He retained all the calm he'd ever had.
And before she could stop him, he drew her into an unexpected embrace.

[behindTHEmask]

The phone rang again, as he began to walk out of the emergency room doors.
Adams was displayed across the screen again.
"Hello?" He flipped the phone open, setting the phone against his ear.
"Long time no talk." A womens voice cause Matt to smile as he stepped out into the sun. His vehicle was still parked near the ER, but he wasn't sure if he'd be leaving soon.
"I know. I should've kept in touch. I'm--"
"Stop dwelling. How have you been?"
"Stressed, actually. The past few years have taken their toll." Matt let out a sigh of exhaustion.
"And what about today?" The women asked. He could hear something being chopped in the bathroom. It must have been around dinner time--or lunch.
"Today, today has been interesting." He smiled slightly. "I take it you got my message."
"More or less."
"Yeah, they got in an accident. I drove 'em to the hospital to see their friend."
"Are they all right?"
"I don't think so."
She said nothing.
"They're both emotionally on edge, I think."
"You said you were stopping by?" She decided to switch the subject.
"Only if you don't mind." He didn't want to intrude on anything.
"You're always welcome." He heard the door open in the background.
"Then I am, I just don't know when."
"Call when you get close, I better go finish dinner. Take care of yourself."
"You too." Matt closed the phone, slipping it back into his pocket. His eyes were focused on Carolyn and John.

[Sparks]

The first thing she noticed was that his shirt smelled pleasant against her body. John wore no cologne, and sported no specially scented deodorant, apparently.
She hadn't expected that he would, though. He was a kid that wasn't into self-presentation as much as most people.
It was just the smell of him, and she couldn't describe it any better.
With her face pressed against his shirt, she felt for the first time after the actual accident like she wanted to cry.
It was the moment, and she knew it.
She closed her eyes tightly and held onto his upper back, her arms bent beneath his.
She wondered if this was what it felt like to never want to let go.
The warmth of his gentle hold calmed her down more than anything else.
"I'm sorry," came his voice.
She nodded into him. If she pulled her face away, she was afraid her eyes would share something she wasn't ready to say.
He talked to her again, his voice almost a whisper, but not quite. A rough, quiet in-between that only guys can achieve.
"I'm not going to leave you, okay?"
She sucked in a breath and pulled her face off his shirt.
"Okay."