tell me what you think!

[creirawaya]

Indigo And Grey[/u]

The clouds swirled in the black sky, Zeus threatening a storm. Artemis, goddess of the hunt and the moon, sprints down from her perch to yell a warning. ‘The sky god is angry. It will rain hard.’ All the plants in the forest close up there leaves. The animals take shelter, hiding in a uniting wariness of flood.

The drops pelt down.


On the earth, far away from Artemis and her animals, a girl sits in her room, the glow from her computer making her skin seem ghostly. She is twelve years old, wearing dirty jeans, bare feet and a lumpy beige sweater. Frizzy red hair held up by a elastic, her eyes are dark and concentrating. Fingers flying over the keyboard, she typed.


“ Once upon a time, in a kingdom west of the sea, there was a large castle. The Colours lived there: Red, boisterous, laughing and whistling, the outgoing one of the group; Yellow, happy, twirling for hours on end; sweet Green, caring and adventurous, spending more time in the garden than anywhere else; Blue, forever the poet, always preferring to sleep by a stream instead of Red’s games. And the last, Grey. No one really knew about her. She appeared when no one expected it, drifting like smoke into a room. Her eyes were always covered by soft, silver hair, her cheeks and hands white as water when the moon gazes down. She had no laughter that could be discerned from the constant, sweet whistling that seemed to come from her very skin. The other Colours respected her, Blue following in silent awe. She was more than a spirit, more than a witch. She was a Element, the corporal representation of wind and fog.”[/i]

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Thats all I have so far. Im hoping it'll be a novel....
is it all right?

[Ramona]

This is good, I like how you talked about the Gods in a modern world, however, are all these story lines going to be confused along the waY? Just a thought.

[creirawaya]

thanks Ramona, and.... yeah, kinda. Not so much the Gods and Godess's one, I used that because I couldnt figure out a better opening and I really like how it fits, but the Colours will be staying in the whole time, and so will Indigo. (thats the girls' name, by the way). The style changes dramatically in the actual first chapter: this was sort of a pro-logue/ foreword-ish thing. Again, thanks for saying you liked it.

[Ramona]

Alright, cool. So are the gods going to be playing a part in the rest of the story?

[Robin]

I liked the idea of opening it by personifying the animals and the storm with the Greek Gods, but the way you presented it was very choppy and awkward.

"The clouds swirl in the black sky as Zeus, lord of all the gods, threatens to storm. Artemis, the Goddess of the Hunt and the Moon, sprints down from her perch among the stars to yell a warning:
"The sky god is angry. It will rain hard."
All the plants in the forest curl up their leaves and close their buds in preparation for the coming storm. All the animals take shelter, hiding in a unanimous wariness of the storm.

The drops pelt down like bullets.

Even something like that could be better. Some transition words, some better grammar, and some consistant tensing could help you alot. It's just structural stuff I see that's wrong here. And some detail is never bad, but don't go overboard.

The description of the girl seems very, very shoved in there. I could think of a million better ways to describe her. You don't want to put all the description in an once. Stephen King has a wonderful way of introducing description: if I were you, I'd read IT by King. The way he introduces the characters is very easy and simple. You don't describe them all at once. You add in little details all at once. We don't know from the beginning just how scrawny Bill is: we discover that when he breaks down in the junkyard and Beverly can wrap her arms all the way around him. We don't really know from the beginning what color his eyes are: we hear it from Richie that his blue eyes are foggy as he stares across the Barrens. It's not only easier on the reader to do this, but it's just more professional. It's classier.

I don't think the part about the story should go in there, at least not right in the beginning. If it's going to play a big part in the main part (which I assume is about Red over here), by all means, put it in there. But don't jam it in at the beginning. It confuses the reader. I, like Ramona, was confused and thought that the Gods, the Girl, and the Colors were all going to be in there together. If I had bought this book to read, I would have stopped right there and put it down.

[cry,crayola.]

you just need to take the time and lengthen it. add some description. ease yourself into these ideas you have. i know that when you have this certain thing you want to write about, sometimes you can rush into it just to make sure it gets down. scratch it. take the time to describe things. otherwise everything will seem out of place to the reader.

i think you really need to work on the transition between the two settings. the first part almost seems as if it could be a prologue; ud just have to lenghten it a lot. when ur trying to write about two totally different things, it's usually best to separate them.

don't just feed us the description of the girl. go about it more cleaverly. "although her frizzy red hair had fallen from the elastic and now obstructed her vision, her dark eyes focused on the screen and worked in time with her fingers." - just an idea.

good luck!

[kurai]

The clouds swirled in the black sky, Zeus threatening a storm. Artemis, goddess of the hunt and the moon, sprints down from her perch to yell a warning. ‘The sky god is angry. It will rain hard.’ All the plants in the forest close up there leaves. The animals take shelter, hiding in a uniting wariness of flood.
//. It should be swirls, since all your other verbs are present tense. Not past. For the rest of the part I have to agree and you need to fix it up. You need more adjectives, and certainly you have to increase the flow. It's choppy, and you kind of repeat yourself in an uneeded way. \\

The drops pelt down
//. Bleh...Seems so bland, so boring and I have no image of it in my head. \\

She is twelve years old, wearing dirty jeans, bare feet and a lumpy beige sweater. Frizzy red hair held up by a elastic, her eyes are dark and concentrating.
//. Your description, as someone said before, is completely forced and you really need to change it. In books, the main character (and most others) shouldn't really be described like this. Besides that, it just skips around. It goes from Artemis going "oh! Zeus is mad" To some girl typing away without a care in the world. How does it all relate?\\

Fingers flying over the keyboard, she typed
You switched tenses again.

As for teh rest, unless you need it you probably shouldn't put it in (as someone else said again). It also has several grammatical mistakes so you might just want to look over it.

Overall, it's pretty good.Good luck!