untitled

[dominicmonaghan]

I normally don't write poetry, so this probably isn't very good, but I'd like to hear what you guys think of it anyway. Here goes...

Red blood flows from injured souls
Thrown in flames, on burning coals.
Orange flame consumes the heart
Of those whose lives've been torn apart.
Yellow rays of golden sun
Shine on the wicked things they've done.
Green leaves have long fallen from,
The trees to show the death to come.
Blue skies have long turned to grey
Taking all their hope away.

I didn't quite get anything for violet yet, but I'm working on it. Yes, I know I'm not a very good poet, but please critic!!

[Pseudomuse]

this is an excellent start. just some friendly tips from your LOST buddy. and here we go critiquing...

general statements

be specific with colors make for more vivid imagery

- red = crimson, burgendy, etc.

- orange = apricot, tangerine, etc, something like that

- yellow = amber, bisque, blond, buff, chrome, cream, gold, ivory, lemon, saffron, sand, tawny

- green = apple, aquamarine, beryl, chartreuse, fir, forest, grass, jade, kelly, lime, malachite, moss, olive, pea, peacock, pine, sage, sap, sea, spinach, verdigris, vert, viridian, willow

- blue = azure, beryl, cerulean, cobalt, indigo, navy, royal, sapphire, teal, turquoise, ultramarine

- grey = its still a good word, i dunno any others but here are some from the thesaurus...blah, bleary, blurred, caliginous, cloudy, dark, dingy, dreary, dull, dusk, dusky, faded, faint, flat, fuzzy, gloomy, gray, grey, indistinct, lackluster, lightless, mat, monotone, monotonous, murky, muted, obscured, opaque, overcast, pale, poorly lit, shadowy, sullied, tarnished, tenebrous, unclear, unilluminated, vague, weak, ash, ashen, cinereal, clouded, dappled, dingy, dove, drab, dusky, dusty, grey, heather, iron, lead, leaden, livid, mousy, neutral, oyster, pearly, peppery, powder, sere, shaded, silvered, silvery, slate, smoky, somber, stone -- maybe you can find something in that.

i like the rhyme, mostly because it doesn't seem forced.

Now to the specifics....

Red blood flows from injured souls

Thrown in flames, on burning coals.
1. Thrown seems ackward are you trying to say the blood or the injured souls is your subject. if you are talking about blood you might want to use a different verb.

Orange flame consumes the heart

Of those whose lives've been torn apart.
2. here the rhyme scheme goes to hell, the contraction of lives've complicates it, making the sentance seem forced and out of place. here's a suggestion: of those whose lives were torn apart. just a suggestion.

Yellow rays of golden sun

Shine on the wicked things they've done.
3. a question, the the in the sentance seams superfluous unless to are trying to emphasize the wicked things, if you are then leave it.

Green leaves have long fallen from,
4. i like this sentance a lot

The trees to show the death to come.
5. no offense but show is a crap verb, there are so many more verbs you can use that are more descriptive than show such as conduct, direct, escort, guide, lead, pilot, route, see, attend hope that helps. look it up in a thesaurus. there is probably more.

Blue skies have long turned to grey

Taking all their hope away.
6. taking is also not the best verb, try looking up another to give more imagery and depth.

I like this poem, i really do, but with a little work it could be so much better. again great start.
and thats the end. hope it helps.

cheers Pseudomuse

[dominicmonaghan]

thanx! i've never been to good at writing poems, but i'll remember what you said and try to change it. yeah, i tried to change the taking, in "taking all their hope away" which i know sounds crappy, but i keep forgetting to get around to it

[usgeisha]

I think it has a nice "ring to it", but if you're going to rhyme for half of it, then make it consistent. I can't wait to read the rest!

[usgeisha]

More??? PLEASE WRITE MORE SOON!

[ScarletMornings]

Okay, I think Psuedomuse might be involved with a thesarus, or is having a Thesarus Day(yeah! those are fun!) but has a good point. The colors should be more unusual, because(and maybe I'm just a really oblivious person?) I didn't notice you were really trying to use the colors. But I really liked it, especially the part about the wicked things they've done, because I really love the word wicked, because it's just such a wicked word, and okay, i'm going to stop now. But good job, I like this and it has potential, a whole darn lot! ;D

[dominicmonaghan]

i tried to change the words, but none seem to fit in with the rhythm. like, i tried to change red to crimson or such, but it thows whatever rhythm there was, totally off. also i changed the ending, it still just doesn't sound right to me

blue skies have long turned to grey
to show the pain that they will pay
violet flowers turn to dust
revealing the upcoming lust

[ScarletMornings]

I don't know, I tried some of those words in there, and they sounded pretty good. But, like I said, I think I'm just a person rather oblivious to stuff, like rhythm? But I liked you new ending, but instead of upcoming lust, which, maybe I'm just weird, sounded kinda off, you could use forshadowed lust? I don't know, whatever you want. But, really good job, neways. Love to everyone ;D

[dominicmonaghan]

im not exactly sure what forshadowed means, but it sounds cool, i'll use it. i'll try using the other forms of the words and try it again.

[ScarletMornings]

foreshadowed means it's hinted at before it happens, or it hints somethings going to happen.

[dominicmonaghan]

ah! i see. how does this sound?

crimson blood flows from injured souls
thrown in flames on burning coals
apricot flames consumes the heart
of those whose lives were torn apart
saffron rays of golden sun
shine on the wicked things they've done
sage leaves have long fallen from
the trees to reveal the death to come
teal skies have long turned to grey
to show the pain that they will pay
violet flowers turn to dust
revealing the forshadowed lust

apricot flames is aweful, it think, but i couldn't think of another word for orange