Post by Robin on Dec 31, 2005 10:14:48 GMT -8
I'm writing it for the story that I've already posted, and I wanted to know if it was natural sounding. It has a lot of cursing in it, and references to intercourse, so don't read if if you'd be offended by that kind of thing. I don't want to tick anybody off.
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When he finally made it to their apartment, he was thoroughly soaked. He turned the handle, and the door was locked. He knew Elena was home, though. She worked Monday through Friday, but he knew that she got off work at four ‘o’ clock in the afternoon. It was six ‘o’ clock then.
He tapped his foot impatiently for a moment before banging on the door with his fist.
“Elena!” he shouted. “Let me in! It’s fucking freezing out here!”
He knew she was peering through the peep-hole, probably laughing her ass off. Robert sighed.
“Damn it, Elena,” he said, banging on the door again. “Let me in!”
This time, she responded. “I’m not letting you in.” Her voice was chilly, but he could tell she was just masking her inner amusement.
“Come on, Elena, why not?”
“You won’t screw me,” she said. She was making her voice quivery and tearful, now.
“That’s the stupidest reason I’ve ever heard,” Robert said impatiently. “You’re a middle aged woman, not a high school brat. My high school girlfriend was less sex-crazy than you.”
She was silent, then.
“Please let me in,” Robert said, trying to catch her while she was thinking of a snappy answer.
“I’m not letting you in unless you promise to do it with me,” she said. Her voice was still faux-whiny and sniveling.
Robert sighed and relented, knowing that she probably would forget about it before he was asked to follow through on his promise. “I promise,” he said. “Now, let me in.”
------
When he finally made it to their apartment, he was thoroughly soaked. He turned the handle, and the door was locked. He knew Elena was home, though. She worked Monday through Friday, but he knew that she got off work at four ‘o’ clock in the afternoon. It was six ‘o’ clock then.
He tapped his foot impatiently for a moment before banging on the door with his fist.
“Elena!” he shouted. “Let me in! It’s fucking freezing out here!”
He knew she was peering through the peep-hole, probably laughing her ass off. Robert sighed.
“Damn it, Elena,” he said, banging on the door again. “Let me in!”
This time, she responded. “I’m not letting you in.” Her voice was chilly, but he could tell she was just masking her inner amusement.
“Come on, Elena, why not?”
“You won’t screw me,” she said. She was making her voice quivery and tearful, now.
“That’s the stupidest reason I’ve ever heard,” Robert said impatiently. “You’re a middle aged woman, not a high school brat. My high school girlfriend was less sex-crazy than you.”
She was silent, then.
“Please let me in,” Robert said, trying to catch her while she was thinking of a snappy answer.
“I’m not letting you in unless you promise to do it with me,” she said. Her voice was still faux-whiny and sniveling.
Robert sighed and relented, knowing that she probably would forget about it before he was asked to follow through on his promise. “I promise,” he said. “Now, let me in.”
