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Post by Ramona on Nov 27, 2005 18:26:44 GMT -8
OK, I went to a funeral yesterday and I was just inspired (how dark, I know.) Anyway, this is what I have so far, but I'm not sure where I'm taking it, yet. I'd appreciate you letting me know what you think of it before I decide whether I should continue it at all. I promise, though, I'm not usually this morbid. ----- Fear. Do funerals usually make you feel scared? Maybe it’s just the concept. The way funerals always force you to taste your own mortality. Not many people like the flavor. I suppose it’s an acquired taste. It’s like that childhood rhyme, Did you ever think, as the hearse rolls by, that you may be the next to die? It makes you afraid. Afraid to look up into the eyes of the mourning, and witness that tormented, wounded look in their eyes. You’re afraid because you’re sure that if you look into their state of being for too long you’ll get pulled in, too. You’ll get pulled into their minds and suffer sorrow first-hand. They’ll watch you as you fall on your knees screaming out primitive, animal cries. You’ll cry so much that the salty sting of the tears will wear away your face. |
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 3, 2005 15:23:24 GMT -8
Damn, what in intriguing and brilliant start! you deifantely should continue, its great! unique, a little provocative and eloquently formulated! can it be better?
Just one thing, how does by rhyme with die??
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Post by Ramona on Dec 3, 2005 19:54:51 GMT -8
Thank you so much!
The actual verse is:
"Did you ever think,
As the hearse rolls by,
That you may be
The next to die?"
So it's an a-b-c-b format, but I just chose to put it in sentence format, though wasn't sure if it would look better that way or in actual verse form.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 3, 2005 22:00:54 GMT -8
i absolutely agree with queen of rain. and go for verse form. this is to dictioned or something to be a story. poem definetely, i think.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Dec 4, 2005 5:09:23 GMT -8
I love poetic prose.. but to have the rhyme in verse form would be a good break
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Post by darktears on Dec 4, 2005 17:04:26 GMT -8
Oh my, I love this. Seems like a very dark and eerie place to get a beautiful piece of writing from but it's so nice.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 29, 2005 18:45:24 GMT -8
i like this lots!!!!!!
totally agree with darktears.
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Post by Robin on Dec 29, 2005 18:48:42 GMT -8
It's a very good beginning. It's a little too personal for my taste (with the second person words and such), but it gives the story an edge that most authors are afraid to add to their work.
Of course, whether or not the story will be good depends on where you take it, but with a beginning like this, you have quite a few options. I can see this story going down the horror path, down the angst path, down the romance path, or down the "feel-good" path.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 29, 2005 19:37:01 GMT -8
"feel-good path"............ i like it.
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Post by conversesneaker on Dec 31, 2005 11:22:05 GMT -8
Hauntingly beautiful.
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Post by mswrite on Jan 28, 2006 8:48:52 GMT -8
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
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Post by Ramona on Feb 15, 2006 9:08:23 GMT -8
Thank you so much. I'm hoping i'll be able to take another look at this soon and finish the actual story part. I'm not sure I can keep up this poetic prose thinng for too long, though. I'll try.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Feb 16, 2006 15:33:37 GMT -8
haha. good luck to you, then. we all know you can do it!!!
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