Twin Stars

[crystala]

The prologue is @ fictionpress.com/~crystala if you want to look it up.

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A cool eastern bound zephyr blew lazily through the country side in the province of Israe with the cool moist smell of rain. Grasses were swirled and leaves trembled, causing dew drops that clung to the foliage so desperately to slid off to the ground below. The rains that came during the time of Yahmen were finally over, and after almost a month, the world seemed to be rekindled by the graceful winds that past by.

Mist rose from the streets of Marion, the capital of Israe, as puddles had collected in abundance along the side of roads and the smooth stone walkways beside it. As for the inhabitants of this city, most were still sleeping, unaware that the rains that had plagued the city had dissipated and the pale sun-star of Itza was breaking through the steel grey clouds.

In a forest not a mile from Marion wildlife was slowly awakening from their annual hibernation. In the circle of white trees, not unlike river birches, ferret-like creatures darted about in the cool grass. Above them, birds known as Carmens sang their light cheery song as if to say ‘the rain has gone, wake up everyone.’ Accompanying the birds tune was the sound of an instrument. Amongst the branches of one of the grand white trees, a figure blocked some of the faint starlight that was filtered through the tree leaves, casting a shadow on the ground.

A girl no older than sixteen was the source of the music and the shadow. In her hands was a wooden instrument known as a lytre that produced a sound almost matching that of a Carmen. Grey-blue eyes studied the instrument in her hand before bringing it back up to her lips and playing a few random chords. The Carmens took flight, their deep scarlet plumage bright against the grey sky.

Sighing, the girl tucked a stray piece of golden brown hair behind her ear, the rest of it pulled neatly back into a ponytail. As she observed the wildlife below, her fingers played a silent song on her lytre. Closing her eyes she once again started to play. It was another lively song, one of her first tunes she had learnt and quite simple. As she played, a voice echoed through the woods. She stopped played suddenly, and looked to where the voice was coming from.

“Ginna!” the name echoed through the grove, scattering the playful ferret creatures back into their burrows. The girl groaned to herself.

“How does she always find me?” she muttered, drawing one knee up to her chest.

“Because I’m your twin sister, Gin,” the voice said, now very clear, coming from underneath the tree. The girl, whose name was indeed Ginna, was caught unawares and shouted out as she almost fell out of the tree. Her lytre fell to the ground and her owner who have fell on top of it, if she had not caught a branch and held on. Dangling from the tree, Ginna was now face to face with her twin sister, Oriah.

“Ack! Ori! I could have broken my neck! Don’t, DO that.” Ginna gasped, Oriah just smiled knowingly and shook her head.
“What?” Ginna asked, puzzled, dropping out of the tree and landing on her backside next to her lytre.

Oriah looked at her twin “Gin, knowing you, you couldn’t break your neck. You’d break a leg perhaps...”

“exactly! I don’t need a bone breaking right now thank you very much!” Ginna stated, annoyed at her sister for no particular reason.

“No, I suppose you wouldn’t,” Oriah said offhandedly, a twinkle in her eye, “especially now Alex is home.”<br>
That’s all it took for Ginna’s frown to uplift into surprise. “Alex?”<br>Oriah nodded, her smile rekindled by Ginna’s expression. Ginna, with lytre in hand, dashed off those the forest towards the way Oriah had entered. Oriah rolled her eyes and ran after her sister out of the woods.
-TBC when I have more written-

[dragon6xx]

That's really good so far. I have the same writing style as you

[kurai]

A cool eastern bound zephyr blew lazily . Too many descriptive words in one sentence, no commas and the point is compltely lost. You definately going have to delete some of those words. cool moist smell of rain.[b/] Same goes with this. You could easily change it to; The moist smell of rain. The scent lingerened coolly in the country air. Or something of the kind, it's really your choice. This type of thing is happening through your whole prologue.

Carmens shouldn't be capitalized. Generally the names of animals aren't. For example humans and dogs. In that same paragraph there should be a comma between Marion and wildlife.

I found your style is capturing but it's almost too extravagant. Description is used way too much in this part. All these words lose their meanings if there are too many. You also are very repetitive and almost redundant. The whole thing was almost lost in imagery. I find it sometimes helps to read down-to-earth authors. I have a style that is very similiar to yours and it has always helped me.

The twin thing isn't awfully original. No doubt they have to save people, and have magical powers and can read each others minds. Or at least that's what I think so far. I'm not sure if it's that accurate but by your style it seems so. If this is case you need to make it original and add twists. Even then it may be cliche.

Good luck anyways,

Kurai.

[cry,crayola.]

kurai stole my crit!

ah well, i'll say it in my own words..... imagery was everywhere, and imagery and description are good things, but when there's too much of it, there's too much for the reader to be thinking about. i know when i read about a setting and it's being described to me, i try and picture in my mind what it looks like. if i'm focused on all of these things, how am i supposed to see the actual plot; what's going on?

i felt that the dialouge was a little rushed. like you had this idea and you wanted to write it down before you forgot it. ease into it a little more.

and i wanna know what a lytre looks like and sounds like! i may be contradicting myself to tell you to add more description there, but you can see what other people say about that. i'm just curious........

keep going with this! i'm excited to see where you'll take it!

~cindy

[conversesneaker]

I found it really well decribed. It makes me think that this story is set in an imaginary world, that is in the medevil times.