|
Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 6:32:55 GMT -8
Thanks.
It was supposed to mirror the lyrical quality of songs, but since I have neither the motivation nor the talent to write actual song notes, it's just a poem.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 5:41:35 GMT -8
Yeah. The castle in the air part is a bit too forced.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 26, 2005 17:31:07 GMT -8
This is one of my first good attempts at writing poetry with dark/gothic under shades. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
------
Reach out and touch that candle flame, ‘Cause when the music ends and the tight-rope bends, You’ve got no one left besides yourself to blame.
And the blisters that rise on your fingers are your fault, too, ‘Cause when non-conformity’s in; you call it a sin, Though you know that you sponsored the shocking debut.
Guitars grinding, hair dye blinding, Soul-finding It’s a gothic reminding, a Satan minding, and it’s all you.
Write your sad lyrics and cry mascara tears, ‘Cause when macabre writer is all you can be, camping out under a punk rocker’s marquee, You’ll worship Pythagoras’ music of spheres.
You tell everyone that your story’s a rosette, ‘Cause when tough love’s what you need, Papa’d always spill his seed, As sweet and as toxic as Mama’s pot cig’rette.
Guitars grinding, hair dye blinding, Soul-finding It’s a gothic reminding, a Satan minding, and it’s all you.
Carve dirty words on your wrists and your breasts, ‘Cause when the other kids do it, it just must be legit, No matter what your therapist suggests.
Sing sad songs and chop off your hair, ‘Cause when the tears start, they refuse to depart, And you can only run away to your castle in the air.
Guitars grinding, hair dye blinding, Soul-finding It’s a gothic reminding, a Satan minding, and it’s all you.
Guitars grinding, hair dye blinding, Soul-finding It’s a gothic reminding, a Satan minding, and it’s all you.
It’s an ode to the goth-kid.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 26, 2005 18:39:10 GMT -8
As Ramona said, it is quite heartfelt, but it's just not up to par.
More imagery might help you. Readers don't appreciate being spoon-fed an idea.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 5:52:02 GMT -8
I can't really FEEL it. When I read a good poem, I should have a Stephan Jenkins moment. I should be thinking "This is poetry, man. This is freaking poetry!" I didn't think that when I read your poem.
The thing that turned me off this poem the most was the overpowering suicidal under shades to it. You shouldn't write a poem just because you were bored, and that's the message I got from this: I was bored, now behold my poem of angst and suicide.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 11:26:32 GMT -8
Well, it was ambiguous, but it just felt kind of mundane. It didn't really stand out.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 26, 2005 17:33:24 GMT -8
While I did enjoy it, I didn't think it was AMAZING.
It was good. It conveyed its point to the reader, provided powerful, original imagery, and got the point across in a relatively short span.
The only part that really jumped up and bit me was "There’s kerosene in my veins//and your warm mouth is the spark//that sets me aflame"
The rest of it was kind of hazy and vague.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 18:30:20 GMT -8
It makes sense.
It could just be a lot better.
You have a great idea. You're just unraveling it the wrong way.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 5:40:38 GMT -8
It's actually pretty mediocre.
It doesn't describe Odysseus and Calypso at all.
Perhaps putting in more mythological allusions would help you.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 26, 2005 18:19:53 GMT -8
"Hoping you’ll give me artificial respiration now when I have forgotten how to do things the usual way"
These lines just don't fit into the poem. They feel really out of place.
"We’re trapeze artists with soft safety nets, where it is a lot easier to be than up here."
These lines appeal to me, but I know they don't exactly fit in. The "soft safety net" seems like kind of an oxymoron, because safety nets are supposed to give you a true sense of security versus the misleading sense of security that softness brings. Beavers have very soft fur, but if you pet them and think they'll hug you back, you'd be quite mistaken.
"There’s apricot marmalade on the floor perhaps it now tastes like your lips Yet colder,"
The 'yet colder' part feels really out of place, like an afterthought. In some cases, adding a line that feels like an afterthought can be good, but in this case, it doesn't. It just feels very, very awkward.
"It is not past, because we hold on tight someone simply shaked our giant snow globe Yet maybe if we wait here long enough glitter will start falling from the sky"
I think it's supposed to be "shook our giant snow globe," but I'm unsure. I don't like the first two lines of this bit, but the "yet maybe if we wait here long enough//glitter will start falling from the sky" bit was good. The only problem with that is that without the snowglobe part, you can't have the glitter fall from the sky. So I'm indecisive on how you could make this part better.
Overall, it was a good poem. I'm sure it was better when it was in Swedish.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 27, 2005 18:39:52 GMT -8
You gave me a Vanessa Carlton moment.
"There's nothing piano recital-y about it. It's Goth."
That's what I thought when I read it.
I got a good image of what was going on, and you didn't feed your message and imagery to the audience via a baby bottle.
The third stanza doesn't really fit in with the rest of the poem, you're right, but if you changed it, it the poem would lose the pattern you've set up.
Eh. It's a good poem, despite what you might think about the third stanza. It's not like SOMEWHATPOETIC GETS OFF A GOOD ONE YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA good, but it's good.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 31, 2005 8:24:55 GMT -8
If you just took out the "or something" part, it would sound awkward. It shouldn't take you took long to re-write the line.
Pandora and Galatea were women in Greek/Roman mythology. Pandora was the perfect woman made by the Gods and given a box and told never to open it, but she did, and unleashed the evils upon the world. Galatea was originally a statue carved by a man who hated women, but she was perfect, and he loved her. On Aphrodite's special day, he asked Aphrodite to bring him a woman like his statue, but she knew what he wanted and made his statue come to life.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 30, 2005 13:56:55 GMT -8
It's lovely.
Although, I do think that it would have been better without the bolded and italicized words. The poem was good, but highlighting certain words just felt like you were trying to hide something that wasn't there. Writer's anorexia, or something. It's like somebody who smells really good but that puts on gallons of perfume is going to make people think that she smells really bad and needs perfume. It just gives a false impression to somebody who skims through poetry (i.e. a publisher) before reading it all the way.
"like I was a part of the Last Supper or something"
This part irritated me. I think it sounded a little too post-modern for a poem written in a modern voice. I think it was the 'or something' that bothered me. It was just too vague, like a part in a poem I once wrote that said "all those other goth bands." It just makes it sound a little too overarching, or rushed, like you had to just add "or something" because you were running out of room.
Overall, it was nice. It felt, to me, like a Pandora/Galatea crossover. It was probably the third stanza that made me think Pandora, and the shadings of love that made me think Galatea.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Dec 30, 2005 14:04:12 GMT -8
The first thing I thought when I read this was "She went to Jared's!" For our foreign friends and anti-TV-activists who doesn't know, Jared's is a diamond store that has really pretty diamonds in its commericals.
It was simply a lovely poem, although there are a few lines that I don't really like.
The first two lines ("I stare//fixated") made me brace myself for a very narcissistic piece. It just wasn't the best way to try and hook the reader in. However, you made an excellent save with the "into the one-eyed basilisk of the ocean overhead" part.
"beady orb glowing fiery orange"
The beady part kind of took away from the splendor of the basilisk. It just made it sound like a tiny, insignificant rodent. The orb part also made it sound like a poem that a roleplayer would write for some character of theirs, and it irritated me a bit.
"reduced to a pagan worshiper in the warmth of the sun"
I liked this line in particular. It brought another level to the poem.
The ending was great, too.
Overall, a good job.
|
|
|
Post by Robin on Jan 11, 2006 15:36:52 GMT -8
I don't know why this one is near the top again, but at the risk of looking like an idiot, I'll review it anyways.
"As I watch it transforms into a grim slash."
This felt forced, like you didn't know how to express an idea that you wanted to express, so you just BS'd your way through it.
"How is it your black button eyes burn me?"
The whole 'button eyes' part was a little too...cute for this piece.
"Your ears are reflective next to mine, As I watch they transform into tinfoil caps."
Eh? Original imagery, but it doesn't really...fit together? Also, I'd suggest sticking to one body part per stanza. The first one described the mouth, the last the face. I think that it makes for a more consistant poem to do so, and it keeps from overloading the reader.
The rest of the poem was just...well...blah.
I found that the repetition and structure took away from the meaning of the poem. After so long of so much repetition, I just start thinking "so?" It's like there's no point to it after a while.
I think that using a freer metre and structure would help this poem a lot, although I think that it would be pretty hard to do that, seeing as it's already up and going.
I liked the idea portrayed here, but not really how it was portrayed.
|
|