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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 19, 2005 16:35:45 GMT -8
I'm all aglow
and now I know
how it feels to have your soul torn open
watching the light flow out
great burnings gusts
of all that I was
the light within you
dripdripping like effervescent blood
You tell me I'm beautiful
just the way I look tonight
my heart slashed
a bleeding, dying sacrifice
to the god you so adore-
heartbreak
there’s a glow about me now
as the light leeches from within
It looks like whatever benevolent god
roused himself to paint me into the world
traced rays of light around me
like I was a part of the Last Supper or something
cruel misconceptions
I'm not so pure that I can’t hide my soulglow
I’ve just been ripped open so there’s no hope of containing it
I never knew how much I love sunshine
until I lost mine
But my heart is blanching
under the strain of my lightdeath
stabbed in the back through my soul
like some dreaded vampire you’d sworn to slay
but vampires are not all aglow
and now I am
my last glorious sunset
as the light pours out of me
before I'm lost to the night
touching every star in the sky
a dim and distant glimmer past the horizon
I'm all aglow, my love
because you cut open my soul
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Post by Ramona on Dec 19, 2005 17:11:52 GMT -8
I like this one. Very nice use of imagery and the way you wove it all together was very cool. The first stanza seemed a bit funny, however.
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Post by Pseudomuse on Dec 19, 2005 17:34:32 GMT -8
Wow, hon I love this. Your style has changed since I've been gone. I likee! I especially like the lightdeath, nice.
cheers hon, PM
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 21, 2005 15:55:26 GMT -8
these words you just.....use. i like it lots, beloved. i honestly do.
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Post by behindTHEmask on Dec 21, 2005 16:52:43 GMT -8
I think this poem is beautiful.
But, I have a few suggestions.
For the line "watching the light flow out of it", I don't think you need 'of it'.
how it feels to have your soul torn open
watching the light flow out
in great burnings gusts.
That seems to flow better to me.
And now I am my last glorious sunset was my favorite part out of the entire poem.
The allusions you used were good comparisons.
Overall, beautiful job.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 29, 2005 22:22:04 GMT -8
i changed this a bit, what do ya'll think now?
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Post by cry,crayola. on Dec 30, 2005 12:49:39 GMT -8
i don't remember how it was before....... oops?
it's still good. most everything you write is, beloved. duh?!
i've fallen in love with the word soulglow. it's mine now. muahahahahahahaha!!!!
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Post by Robin on Dec 30, 2005 13:56:55 GMT -8
It's lovely.
Although, I do think that it would have been better without the bolded and italicized words. The poem was good, but highlighting certain words just felt like you were trying to hide something that wasn't there. Writer's anorexia, or something. It's like somebody who smells really good but that puts on gallons of perfume is going to make people think that she smells really bad and needs perfume. It just gives a false impression to somebody who skims through poetry (i.e. a publisher) before reading it all the way.
"like I was a part of the Last Supper or something"
This part irritated me. I think it sounded a little too post-modern for a poem written in a modern voice. I think it was the 'or something' that bothered me. It was just too vague, like a part in a poem I once wrote that said "all those other goth bands." It just makes it sound a little too overarching, or rushed, like you had to just add "or something" because you were running out of room.
Overall, it was nice. It felt, to me, like a Pandora/Galatea crossover. It was probably the third stanza that made me think Pandora, and the shadings of love that made me think Galatea.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 30, 2005 20:32:34 GMT -8
yeah, i didn't really like the last supper part, do you think i should just take off the "or something" or change the entire line? and at the risk of sounding a trifle ignorant, what do you mean by pandora and galatea?
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Post by Robin on Dec 31, 2005 8:24:55 GMT -8
If you just took out the "or something" part, it would sound awkward. It shouldn't take you took long to re-write the line.
Pandora and Galatea were women in Greek/Roman mythology. Pandora was the perfect woman made by the Gods and given a box and told never to open it, but she did, and unleashed the evils upon the world. Galatea was originally a statue carved by a man who hated women, but she was perfect, and he loved her. On Aphrodite's special day, he asked Aphrodite to bring him a woman like his statue, but she knew what he wanted and made his statue come to life.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jan 1, 2006 22:01:50 GMT -8
okay, cool. i knew who pandora was, but i wasn't sure if that was like a term for something else. thanks for telling me. i will work on fixing that line.
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