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Post by Confusion on May 29, 2005 10:03:12 GMT -8
With all
This singing
Talking
Contemplating
The words we shouldn't know
Scrutinizing all our baiting
Well what's to say?
You didn't love me anyway
Analyzing
What we mean
Find the truth
I know it's hiding
Far away
This silent breeze is passing something
You should know
I suppose you will never know
Goodnight
The past
My fitful dreams
All too real is
The words we shouldn't know
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Post by Confusion on May 29, 2005 10:05:15 GMT -8
ahhhh.......... only today did i change to ask me for help, i know what i'm doing... after i posted this poem i suddenly noticed i've turned into cookin' MC's like a pound of bacon?!?!?!?!?!!? why???
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Post by Confusion on May 29, 2005 10:07:11 GMT -8
hmmmmmmmmm........... i now see everyone's has changed... shame as i literally got about two hours as ask me for help i know what im doing... but i guess im okay with bacon! anyways...... anyone got any comments on my cruddy poem?
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Post by Ramona on May 29, 2005 15:31:04 GMT -8
Excellent, the ending seemed a bit abrupt though, perhaps if you extended the poem a little and then built up to the ending? Only a suggestion, but it's fine the way it is, too.
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Post by Ramona on May 29, 2005 15:32:40 GMT -8
Oh yeah, and the little title thingies changed because I was bored and thought it would be really funny to change it to phrses from "Ice, Ice Baby."
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Post by Confusion on May 30, 2005 0:52:53 GMT -8
cool! i'll think about changing the end! thanx!!!!
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Post by Confusion on May 30, 2005 0:59:27 GMT -8
i edited it a lil... added a lil ending on... how do ya think it is?
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Post by Queen of Rain on May 30, 2005 1:03:41 GMT -8
woho amazing poem.. think the ending iss too much, you get too far away form the title somehow, but i love how you have played with words in this poem, its soo unique and strong..
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Post by Confusion on May 30, 2005 1:19:13 GMT -8
thanx! yea i think i get what you mean... any suggestions on how i could improve that?
I'll have a look at it myself in a mo and see if i cant make it a bit more relevant
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Post by Confusion on May 30, 2005 1:22:34 GMT -8
eeeeedddddddddiiiiiiiiiittttttttteeeeeeeddddddddddddddd!!!!!!........ i think im happier with it now! i've made the ending slightly more relevant. any comments?
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Post by ScarletMornings on May 30, 2005 14:17:09 GMT -8
I think this title is really cool and i would have took it in a totally different direction, but i like it.
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Post by ScarletMornings on May 30, 2005 14:18:02 GMT -8
WHAT?! I had FOUR stars, and i was all excited, now i have bacon?!
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Post by Confusion on May 30, 2005 14:58:39 GMT -8
same! i had just turned ask me for help, i know what i'm doing the very day it changed  |
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Post by Confusion on May 30, 2005 14:58:55 GMT -8
thanx for your nice comment btw!
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