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Post by mswrite on Dec 2, 2007 19:26:57 GMT -8
This is about a year old, and when I wrote it it was just a jumble of words..not anything I really felt. Now I do feel it, sort of, so it's even more poignant to me, but I don't think it's very good. I'm a poor poet. Help? suggestions?
Desert me Leave me to suffer With the pangs of loneliness That Tear me apart Desert me Thirst unquenched Hunger unfulfilled
Ignite me Douse me in kerosene With the harsh grating words That Burn through my veins Ignite me Flames to flesh And flesh to flames
Destroy me Batter my walls With your mindless machines That Shatter ruin and Destroy me Stones crumble Pillars fall
Forget me Watch me stand waiting In blind anticipation That Leads me astray Forget me Last chance Time lost Desert me.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 2, 2007 20:43:36 GMT -8
hmm. i like the idea, strong diction, but it seems to lack a fire..or something. i get what you're saying, but it seems somewhat dry. I don't know if that makes sense? I liked it, and i liked the format too. however, it seems very matter of fact. but i almost like that. the more i read it, the more i like it actually. very nice job, i have to say now. i'm very indecisive. i apologize. lol
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Post by mswrite on Dec 3, 2007 13:30:59 GMT -8
I think part of the reason it has that emotional detachment is because when I wrote it I had no emotional connection to the concept. but even now I like that...you know how sometimes you just feel so hurt or furious that you can't express it? You're beyond tears or screaming, sometimes beyond words? That is what I hope it conveys. However, I meant to ask this when I first posted it...do you think it's more effective without any punctuation--basically as one big run-on--than it would be with? by the way, I'm indecisive too.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Dec 6, 2007 18:59:09 GMT -8
i like it without. and the emotion comes out the more i read it, like you have to really listen and feel it. and i like it without punctuation because it's like all the emotion is flowing together. of course, if i saw it with punctuation, i might like it better that way. my indecisiveness, you know. lol
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