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Post by cry,crayola. on Aug 12, 2007 17:36:23 GMT -8
come hither and pass the lonley hours as the grains slip from time's withered hands. withered from waiting. and from wanting. the tantalizing moments wasted at a notice. with the tick-tock of the mocking clock in annoyance, it reminds.
so, friend, come hither and show it's eyes so weak something worthwhile in time's immortal death. straining and searching for something real. the corrupt deception fooling even greatness. with it's orderly preciceness serving a fake purpose. for time, my dears, is fake.
still, let us enjoy this fallacy and continue till we grow old as we cease this mockery of time.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Aug 13, 2007 18:42:06 GMT -8
i love this. it's got such a capturing theme, and i like that you make time seem..idk, what's the word....approachable, maybe. it feels like time loses a little of it's awe and power and this, while still maintaining its mystery.
or something like that. i'm tired and need a shower so that might be influencing me.
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Post by Ramona on Aug 17, 2007 14:59:04 GMT -8
come hither and pass the lonley hours as the grains slip from time's withered hands. withered from waiting. and from wanting. the tantalizing moments wasted at a notice. with the tick-tock of the mocking clock in annoyance, it reminds. This entire stanza is so freaking fantastic. I especially love the personification of time's withered hands because I can see a face that accompanies it, and it's far from the usual "Father Time" image. The last two lines are also extremely awesome because of the emphasis on how time can be an irritating thing to deal with.
painfully searching for something real. I think "painfully" could be changed to something with a stronger feeling attached.
still, lets enjoy this fallacy I think maybe you should change "let's" to "let us" because it seems to fit better with the tone of the first stanza.
Also, I agree with ScarletMornings. You made time something tangible.
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Post by cry,crayola. on Aug 27, 2007 19:07:47 GMT -8
how about straining and searching for something real. ?
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Post by Ramona on Aug 30, 2007 15:35:32 GMT -8
Ooh, sounds good. I love the imagery that comes along with the word "straining."
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Post by cry,crayola. on Aug 31, 2007 3:07:59 GMT -8
got it :]
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