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Post by Ramona on Sept 15, 2006 14:38:15 GMT -8
Just like the title says, this poem is for the current object of my affections, but I thought it was kind of funny to title it that. Anyway, this is just something I wrote in English class about the guy I look forward to seeing in 6th period every day. -----
you are the space left blank
when i should be writing
the sounds unheard
when i should be listening
i am the words unseen
when you should be reading
the emotions unfelt
when you should be feeling
togetheer
we engage
in devilish debauchery
together
we realize
unrequited daydreams
together
we speak
with the voices of children
together
we are
better versions of ourselves
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Post by ScarletMornings on Sept 17, 2006 12:53:21 GMT -8
sweet and simple, i really like the language in this. it's something i can relate completely too, because there have been so many times when i've sat in a class and just daydreamed my head off about a boy when i should be paying attention. i esp. like the part-
you are the space left blank
when i should be writing
the sounds unheard
when i should be listening
fantastical job.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Sept 17, 2006 14:14:40 GMT -8
Usually rhymes are bad.. Here they are BRILLIANT... I adore you for the first two stanzas, they flwo so amazingly well and are so beautiful!
I'm not as fond of the repetitions in the end - but i really like the content
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Post by Ramona on Sept 18, 2006 16:42:47 GMT -8
I didn't rhyme it intentionally, though I suppose you're referring to the slant rhymes like reading a/feeling, right?
Thanks for your comments, guys.
As for the last stanzas and the repetition there, I think there's too many stanzas, perhaps I'll chop a few or something.
I'm thinking the last two stanzas are the most forced, what do you think?
Again, thanks.
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