Difficult Transparency

[coldmerlin]

I used to let you barrow me,

Now I think you’ve stolen me.
and I don’t know where to look
because I’m not you either…
I want me back-
But only if I get you with me.

What will it take?
My will already fails.
What else do you want?
I can change.
How would you change me?
You said I was fine,
That it was you that needed to change.
But I knew you were lying.
You told me this was real
Does that make this a dream?
You always brought calming dreams

When I wake up you’ll still be mine:
Your smile will open my heart,
And your tears won’t run down my face,
As I fade to transparency.


i'm new. basic crit. please

[Ramona]

I used to let you borrow me,

Now I think you’ve stolen me.
This is very cool imagery.

because I’m not you either…
I want me back-
But only if I get you with me.
I'm sure I could figure out what this says if I really wanted to, but it's worded so plainly that I think I'll just skip over it.

Does that make this a dream?
You always brought calming dreams
I like this because of the second line, it just summons subtle emotion.

As I fade to transparency.
I don't like the use of transparency here, it seems out of place.

Overall, I think this is more of a thought than a poem. Try using more poetic language.

[Robin]

Yeah. What Ramona said.

The whole concept of 'I used to let you borrow me//Now I think you've stolen me' is very nice, but it needs a lot more thought put into it so it can make a respectable poem.

[Queen of Rain]

My guess is that you listen to modern music.
Your petry isn't bad.. jstu that I think you can write much more poetically and less popsong..

You have got some powerful lines, like "fade to transparancy" but to get maximum effect out of them you should try to separate theme and plot!

so keep your poems.. read more good poetry (or listen to music by eg, the doors, which have very poetic lyrics) adn you will see advance