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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 25, 2006 11:42:00 GMT -8
Watching the weatherchanel and realising we won't meet again
I heard the weather is good in New York
I guess its spring
and time
to fall in love
I want you to show me a city more alive
and then I could tell you that there is a well
where lovers go to pray
for their love to flow like that water
but there is ice across the north sea
so I
wish you
a beautiful spring
and I heard it will rain here tomorrow
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Post by Ramona on Jun 25, 2006 14:20:51 GMT -8
The flow of this piece is amazing, except for the first line. It just seems too wordy. Perhaps a line break or two can fix it?
Anyway, I love how you just threw in pieces of weather information, because it makes the image of the character sitting in front of the TV watching the weather channel and thinking of this other person so alive.
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 25, 2006 14:32:33 GMT -8
I think I was watching CNN weather report when that line came to my mind.. realising how big the atlantic is and how little one can do when someone doesnt answer the phone.. its not like i can drop by..
thank you for the comment I think ill put "in New York today" ona separate line?
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Post by Ramona on Jun 25, 2006 14:40:36 GMT -8
Wait, where are you going to put "in New York today" at?
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Post by Queen of Rain on Jun 25, 2006 14:47:25 GMT -8
like this i think actaully...
I heard the weather is good in
New York today
to start of a fast rhythm? just a late night try... (attempting to keep myself busy so I dont go make myself dissapointed calling him in NY finding him busy wiht something while im here sleepless)
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Post by Robin on Jun 25, 2006 15:46:24 GMT -8
Naw, don't break it up. Just make it 'I heard the weather's good in New York Today.' Taking out one syllable makes it easier to fit into the pattern.
And in the last line I'd make it 'it'll' instead of 'it will.' Makes it fit into the pattern better, at least to me.
That's all I would change. Except I'd change the title to just 'watching the weather channel.' The other one sort of sounds like a kiddish novel title, at least to me.
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Post by ScarletMornings on Jul 1, 2006 19:45:59 GMT -8
i love this. it's random but weather themed so it ties together. it gives good emotion and imagery, at least to me. and i like the title, personally. i love when it's like a short or childish title and then the poem is really different and good. and robin, i love your tagline or whatever, from ted. that's a fantastic movie.
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