Be My Alice

[Ramona]

This was actually for my first poetry contest on Neopets. The topic was "through a secret door." I have no idea how I made out, yet, since it's still going on.

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Hand against my chest.
You don’t have to push so hard.
Just dance me through.
Because here in the courtyard,
There’s a secret garden she grows.

And the walls beat around me,
Like the sound of African drums.
Pushing and pushing,
So your hand is obsolete.
But I’ll tell you what,
You can take that same hand,
And slip it in mine, love.
And we’ll take a little trip.

See, if you push away this ivy,
And separate these leaves.
There’s something you imagine,
But never dare to hope for,
In the secret garden she grows.

And atop the green, green stems,
Grow things you dream of,
But never dare to make.
Things of thoughts and chivalry,
Of words, and sounds, and wings.

So I’ll pull you a little closer,
So I can feel the pulse in your veins.
It quickens, ever faster.
And I can see the fright and awe behind your eyes.

Come with me through the ivy,
Come with me through this secret door.
Be my Alice, and I’ll take you to Wonderland.

[Queen of Rain]

The more I read it the more I like it. The capital letters are very annoying but when I looked past it I liked the rhythm. It was brilliant except for
"But never dare to hope for.
There’s a secret garden she grows."

"But your hope never dares" or sth would sounds soo much better even if its wrong gramatically..

[Ramona]

Yeah, the capitals always bug me, too, but I typed it in word and was too lazy to go back and correct what AutoCorrect corrected...if that makes sense, ha ha.
Thanks for your crit, I'll work on that part.
Do you think it would sound alright if I simply changed it up to say:
"...but never dare to hope for,
in the secret garden she grows."

[Queen of Rain]

definately that will be great - will round the stanza off well

[Ramona]

Awesome. Is there anything else you found that you think needs improvement?

[Queen of Rain]

If you fixed the autocorrect thing it would be sooo much easier for me to notice haha.. right now I love the rhythm and I feel the only thing I could want is maybe a bit condensation as its quite fixed in its pattern adn you thus cant bring anything unexpected in structure wise?
its 00.40 here tho so im a kinda bad critic with useless language hehe

[Ramona]

Alright, thanks. I'll eventually get around to editting this a bit and fixing the AutoCorrect thing.