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Post by Confusion on May 10, 2006 8:44:51 GMT -8
Sun and light
You sweep down
Softly caress you
Only ever: the sweetest touch
The day of salvation
To be one again
Be mine
Once more
Acknowledge this:
No depth awaits
Under sun-burnt skin
Once more the trees blossom
Wretched bodies relax in midday sun
Yet glance towards the girl in red
The girl of being
Who now belongs
Sun kissed cheeks
The girl of summer
My girl
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Post by Confusion on May 10, 2006 8:46:18 GMT -8
...i'm not sure about this... just wrote it very quickly... all comments and critisism very much appreciated!!!!
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Post by Robin on May 12, 2006 17:05:37 GMT -8
I think it's very pretty. Short, simple, sweet, and to the point.
I think the first stanza is sort of out of place, but the rest is lovely. Your word choice painted a vivid picture without huge lines of description.
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Post by Ramona on May 12, 2006 18:12:52 GMT -8
I agree with Robin. The imagery is awesome, but the first stanza did seem a bit out of place. Also, I think the second stanza needs a little work. It just seems a bit jerky to me.
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Post by Confusion on May 14, 2006 4:18:14 GMT -8
thanx for your comments! i see what you mean.. ill give this some thought and hopefully improve on this soon. all comments and suggestions greatly appreciated!!!!!!!
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Post by Confusion on May 25, 2006 11:41:15 GMT -8
well ive changed the first stanza completely and made a couple of other minor adjustments... any better? all comments very much appreciated!
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Post by Queen of Rain on May 29, 2006 22:59:14 GMT -8
Its beautiful and the two middle stanzas are excellent theme-wise!
When it comes to rhythm its mostly highlt effective but i would change a few things
"Sweep down" - needs an extra syllable (eg you)
"Mine" - I would out Be mine instead.. more flow that way.
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Post by Confusion on Oct 17, 2006 10:53:35 GMT -8
MODIFIED! taken me so long to get round to this! sorry have not commented / posted recently, been so busy! how does this seem now?
p.s it is now going to be my target to start posting more frequently again and write more crits as so many of you do so much for me and i don't feel i write enough crits!
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Post by ScarletMornings on Oct 17, 2006 20:25:34 GMT -8
i adore this! and i'm so glad you're back! it seems like no one is ever here anymore. i try and crit when people post new things but it's rare that they do and i'm always super busy. but i'm on fall break, and i'm trying to work on a new poem. you could comment my most recent one (hint, hint. lol) welcome back and fantastic poem with the modifications, in my opinion!
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Post by Confusion on Oct 18, 2006 8:09:25 GMT -8
Thank you!!! hehe, i will be sure to comment your poem!  |
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